Thursday, August 25, 2005

Finally my english literature trial exams are over!! I’m really relieved because…well..it’s over!! I did get a little discouraged though because my standards did not meet up to my teacher’s expectations, which typically makes me feel a little crappy. Anyway now I can concentrate on my other subjects like biology and history which I have been severely neglecting for the past three days…so it’s time I went on my way now…later all!

Jin Han 7:18 PM

Sunday, August 21, 2005

muahahaha i just finished my 30 mark romeo and juliet question!!!i'm really hoping that i'll really get 30 marks for it hehe...you know me...i strive for excellence when it comes to anything that has to do with the english language...normal kiasu-ness anyway...right now i have to finish my short stories and poems,which is a LOT!!literature trial exams start tomorrow until wednesday...2 hours to finish 4 20 mark questions...it seriously is some scary shit...i'm really nervous and hoping that i'll be able to finish it on time because when it comes to literature it is almost always the time that provides the challenge...if my tuition teacher makes it extra difficult it'll just exacerbate things...sigh...lots of pressure building up here...what happens if i can't finish on time?what happens if i do badly?sigh...loads of stuff going through my mind right now...what i am most afraid of are the poems...of all the sections i do not fare too well with poems especially...bah...anyway this is going to be a short post because i have to study and i'm going to make myself a goober sandwich first so later!! current mood:have to study study study!nervous,scared and anxious...

Jin Han 10:42 PM

what my desk looks like one day before my lit. trial exam!!!~.~ nasty man....so so so so nervous...!!

Jin Han 6:49 PM

Saturday, August 20, 2005

don't really know how i'm feeling right now...i am totally smitten with her for no reason at all...and that is definitely a problem there...the worst kind of relationships you won't want to be in is the kind where you can't explain your attraction to a person...it isn't because of their appearance...it isn't because of their personality...it's just something else...something that no other person can see...you really start to see how unbelievably incredible that person is,oblivious to the fact that he/she,like all human beings,is fundamentaly flawed...suddenly nothing else matters but them...u just wish u could spend more time with them,talking,chatting,smsing...any interaction whatsoever would already be heaven...of course the ugly side of it is that you can almost never find a reason to not love that person...no matter how much they try,no matter how much you try...the feeling will just stay...when u worry about them when they're distressed,when u feel so happy for them when they're jubilated...in the end we forget one thing - ourselves...you become narrow minded,unwilling to change,stubborn to the core...and u then turn into a mess... i have felt that before...makes me feel all stupid inside because i'm so naive or something...but you get used to it,you know...do the feelings u seem to always get dissipate with time?do they vanish when you lose that person?what then? current mood:tired,lovesick?

Jin Han 12:36 AM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

i'm really really frustrated right now...don't know why but i am really really frustrated...this morning one of my friends brought up something i absolutely did not want to hear...it made me think about it all day...i guess most of the time i could just ignore it but what's the point in putting it aside when it can just come back after that?rawr...today is such a stupid day...so i'm going to make a little experiment..if it works out like i've expected then i know i'm going to really feel spiteful...bah...sometimes ignorance is bliss....then again ignorance is always bliss...when u know about certain truths or the reality of a situation it makes you think and feel different...you see things in a whole different light and it either turns out for the better or the worst...it's then that you realise that you've been smiting yourself for no reason at all... i do not approve very much of people without some common decency...seriously..everyone should be educated in some common courtesy like manners,etiquette,common sense...makes me disconsolate that people my age and above might actually have horrible manners...if only the world could slap some sense into them then life would be real peachy...no one deserves to be shunned...not even people you dislike...sigh...looking forward to sleeping tonight...it's the only time i'm not feeling anything at all.... current mood:frustrated and moody possible moods tonight:hateful,angry,depressed

Jin Han 8:08 PM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i have such a headache now...geez...have to study sejarah and i know i'm not going to finish by today...might as well skip that and go on to biology...time is of the essence and it is exactly the only thing i don't have right now...which kind of sucks...anyway don't much much to say today...i guess i don't think as much now because i'm trying to store information instead of thinking about stuff...it's really distracting and gets in the way too easily...on a few occassions i do think of herler...but i guess i can't afford to do that as much anymore or i'll just sink to the bottom of the ocean...XD...oh well...going dutch to the prom btw hehe...felt that i really didn't want to go with anyone else but....oh nevermind...gotta go study again...will update when i feel like taking a break...later...

Jin Han 10:59 PM

Sunday, August 14, 2005

what my table looks like (and will look like) as of now..XD

Jin Han 6:18 PM

what do guys want in a girl?what do girls want in a guy?those two are probably the most asked questions in any friendster messageboard...which gets really boring most of the time...everything in it seems like a cliched way of buttering up people and whatnot...i think it is silly and rather pointless...they make it sound like it's a job criteria or something especially when it is most definitely not...i mean in my honest opinion i feel that what you want most in a partner is their love and compassion...nothing else...u won't want them for the perfume they wear(because seriously how many girls/women are likely to wear the same brand of perfume?) or the shampoo they use(ditto)...you won't want them for the way they fall into your arms(which almost any girl can accomplish with little effort) or the way they lean their heads against your shoulder(again ditto)...most of those..."required traits" are trivial and silly...sure we want all of that but what do we really want?for me i'd rather have acceptance,devotion and attention...i would like a girl who would accept me for me and nothing else...to be able to treat all my imperfections or faults as if they were strengths...maybe even disregard them completely...i also want to see devotion...i would like a partner to have as much devotion to me as i would have to her...what i hold the most disdain for is always a one-sided affair where you're not on the receiving end when you're the one doing all the giving...i also want attention from my partner...when i'm talking to them i want nothing else but their unabated focus...i would very much appreciate two way conversations in which both parties say around the same amount of words and bring up the same amount of topics et cetera.... sounds like a awful lot i know but hey...it's what i would want in a girl.selfish as it may sound i just don't really care...i'm sure any of you would be selfish if you're talking about a being in a relationship whether long-term or short...the thought just came to mind whilst i was studying so i decided to articulate it into words...it's just an opinion really...

Jin Han 1:08 AM

Friday, August 12, 2005

it's rather silly...for someone who gets hungry almost all the time i haven't been eating dinner for the past two days...my appetite for food suddenly dissipated like it was never there...shocking i know...but everytime i eat something the gas just builds up and i end up hurting for a few minutes...which tends to get irritating most of the time... anyway...i feel distanced right about now...just starting to realise that i don't talk to people very often...in fact if i had the chance i would most probably be the introvert though i don't want to be...of the 101 people in my msn messenger list i don't even talk to a quarter of them...32 online now and i'm not chatting with a single person...such poorly developed social skills will definitely hamper my future endeavours yet i don't really know how to rectify things...now that i think about it i don't know a lot of things...i know very little about life and how we live in it and even less about girls...which makes me the odd one out when it comes to mixing with my tuition friends who talk to each other about how this girl is hot whilst that girl is not...i could never be so disinterested in how any girl looked...which brings me to my second question?is it just me who is like that or are there more?am i really becoming a one girl guy?the kind of person who would only stick to one person of the opposite gender and him/her alone?don't those things happen when we're like...30 years old or something?why now?when you're thinking that only one person is right for you(and that might actually be a wrong assumption) how does that really play out?

Jin Han 11:43 PM

a random picture of the sun...strange because it was never this red before...

Jin Han 6:44 PM

clockwise from top:Wyeth Entox-P for gas,Colodium for the diarrhea and Buswoan for the stomachaches...(went to the doctor because the pains came back and i went to the toilet until my posterior just hurt like crap...>.<)

Jin Han 6:43 PM

Thursday, August 11, 2005

i had around 4 hours of sleep this morning and woke up feeling extremely groggy...when i reached school it was already so hazy i could choke on dirt alone...then the news came(both the good and the bad)...on the plus side,school was cut short because of the haze so everyone could go back at 11am..what was frustrating was that we came to school for nothing,which was a real drag...anyway this morning was utterly horrible...i went to class nursing a stomachache and held on until 11...after which i reached home and went to the toilet,getting some respite from the 10 minutes i spent in the can...after that i enjoyed some 20 minutes of relief before the stomachaches came back...the whole day is really nasty because i couldn't concentrate on studying either due to the haze or my stomachache...grrr....seriously this blows...

Jin Han 4:20 PM

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

i've just noticed how afraid i am of approaching her...i kept telling myself that i should start talking to her again but i just froze...what was i going to say?how should i phrase my words...?everything just rushed through my mind and i just lost it...it's always fear...fear of more disaster,fear of getting hurt again,fear of losing everything...fear follows me throughout my life...too much of it and too little courage...if man is without their imperfections then my imperfection would be the curse of overthinking and overanalysing a situation...i have to look for the consequences or possibilities in every decision...sometimes it really sucks because things just will not work out the way i planned....sometimes i feel rather silly because of it but that is how God made me...there must be a purpose He has made me what i am for He always has a plan,whether for good or for bad,He still has a plan. anyway this week is the week to ask my friend out to the prom...but i was still contemplating about it...i mean i feel i'd rather go out with someone else but that doesn't seem possible...i guess i don't want to go with anyone else as dates because...i don't know...i just don't want to... in regards to her the most amazing thing happened...as you know i have been feeling very down with myself lately...but last week i just woke up and felt infinitely happier...more satisfied...feeling less apathy for myself...with that i really thank God for stretching out His hand to take me into his fold...really...that was the crucial moment when i truly felt God's presence....i guess He did have a plan after all...now i'm also devoting myself to loving Him...i really hope to go to church regularly if my mom allows but again...not sure if she'll be cool with it...gah...one step at a time i suppose...

Jin Han 10:42 PM

Sunday, August 07, 2005

watched it this afternoon in the cinema...this film ROCCKKKS!!!!!!i give it a 4.95/5.0

Jin Han 5:22 PM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

who wants it???kekeke...waiting for the full album to come out...yay!!

Jin Han 9:37 PM

i'm so frustrated now!!my mom went on a short trip to singapore and won't be back till monday and my dad has to go for a dinner so my grandparents told me we were going out to eat...they didn't even ask me and just told me...that's the part i hate the most...people doing things behind your back and telling you at the last minute...seriously...if i'm supposed to be grateful or something i'm not feeling it...sure it might be selfish of me and all but i hate it when things interfere with my plans...the least they could do was ask me if i actually wanted to go or not...not decree that i'm to go...my whole family is like that...so friggin dominating and each person not taking into consideration what the other wants...really pisses me off sometimes...to be courteous i'm sure i'll have to act like i'm having a good time and go....grrr...and my cat keeps bothering me for food and everything...he won't eat unless i watch him eat and i'm like his servant...he doesn't even give anything in return...like come to me for some hugging or sth...even my cat is selfish as hell...bah...the whole family just makes me want to slap them around with a hockey stick or something...the sentence "what about what i want?" comes to mind again...then again it really doesn't matter anymore now does it?i'm trying to calm myself down...thinking about Jesus and His tolerance...His patience...all i have to do is look for the silver lining...it might be shrouded but just look for it...to walk in His footsteps would be a benediction...listening to Hillsong now...trying to tolerate and contain the rage...turn it into love i guess...Oh Lord Jesus You are King indeed!

Jin Han 6:52 PM

Friday, August 05, 2005

was relatively bored so i took a picture of the cd...even the design is really great!!!!

Jin Han 10:19 PM

i bought this on my first visit to canaanland,which was today!listening to it now and i love the songs a LOT!!!!

Jin Han 10:18 PM

Thursday, August 04, 2005

eeeh heeheeheeheeheehee...during eng. tuition today i received a candle from my english teacher...she awarded to my friend and i for being her best students...nyahahaha i was soo happy to be acknowledged like that...hehehehe...seriously it was a real confidence booster...as such i'll post one of my stories on my blog every now and then...lol... Lost And Found The sky darkened to a caliginous grey as the familiar sight of blue lightning loomed over the horizon, over the hills and beyond the city limits into the country. Malevolent clouds formed into amorphous shapes, bringing with it a steady shower of rain, dissipating the haze that had plagued the city for so long. The raindrops instilled a sense of respite, a feeling of jubilation for the end of suffering, but life, as it seemed, was never kind enough to bestow happiness into the hearts of men. The constant flashes of lightning culminated in gargantuan explosions throughout the green lands, causing streams of red and yellow all around, only to be beaten back by the approaching downpour. As the rain clouds meandered off into no man's land, the city was once again engulfed in the haze - turning into what it always had been since the depression. I sat on a decrepit bench facing the monolithic building that was Berkley And Sons Inc., contemplating about how a world so pure, so brimmed over with love and clarity could transform into the harsh reality it was today. The bench was adorned with intricate designs, relics of a past when creativity and innovation were plentiful and significant, its every carving painted a vision of a possible future, or at least one that was better than today. Surrounding the park was the only piece of greenery within the city – Central Park, now teeming with an overgrowth of plants and vegetation, a testament to the poor maintenance of public property. In a sense the sight of the unkempt jungle gave me some clarity, a place that allowed me to think without the drudgery of the modern world stalking me every time I woke up in the morning. I spent every morning sitting on that same bench, my mind convalescing from the monotonous life outside the stone walls of the park. Often times I found my thoughts in disarray, desiccated by the repugnance of the world and doubtful of the future of my fellow man. Love and hate merged into a confluence of chaos, turning my mind into a war zone with my heart caught in the crossfire. I had lost myself countless times in the sea of hatred which I swim through every day, putting on fake smiles and committing acts of legerdemain with little hesitation even against my peers. Friends were no longer friends and the term fellowship became but a waning shibboleth, lost in the sands of time, never to be rekindled again. At one point in time I had driven myself to the very nadir of destruction, my spirit crushed by an overflow of remorse and shame. I was not brought up to be a sinner; I was not created to become a pawn for anguish… My very actions betrayed my soul self, turning me into the very monster I promised myself not to become, but I did, and because of that I lost everything – my wife, my three children, my life. Being on the verge of a complete retreat into my own little world, I put myself on medication, hoping that antidepressants might mollify my suicidal thoughts, bringing me into a level of equanimity that I once enjoyed in the past. It did not work… It was not until I found my saving grace that my disconsolation was purged from my being – an antiquated bench that resided in a deserted park, lonely yet enigmatically serene. It was there that I felt at peace with myself, giving me time to convalesce from my emotional downward spiral. Once again I was free from torment, giving me a new lease on life, helping me get through my remaining days. Through the aegis of the past, I found the one thing I was devoid of all along – I finally found hope.

Jin Han 8:52 PM

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

something strange happened today...well at least early this morning at 1 sth in the morning...for some stupid reason i just logged into my hotmail account(which i no longer use) and lo and behold she pops up in my contact list...in the online column...i found it strange because i was blocked earlier and i shouldn't be seeing her online in my contact list...raised a lot of questions in my head and it stayed there throughout the day...really couldn't stop thinking about it..why...how...never once did i find an optimistic answer for my questions...i guess i'll never know till i ask...and that's what i plan to do if she comes online...now the hard part is figuring out what to say...o.o..a few months of no talking and you just find it difficult to express yourself despite the plethora of things you want to say...being inarticulant sure stinks big time...i find it difficult to even say hi to her...sigh...emotions within me are really building up....a bit of anxiety but most of it is focused on preparing myself for the worst...today quite a few of my friends were hurt because of love or like or crushes etc...most of them were not prepared for it...i kind of felt a bit sorry for them but it is a way of life i gather...i've been through it many times and have yet to learn a single thing say to always expect the worst from things because hoping will only bring a lot of disappointment if things go sour and things go sour a lot for me...i'm not looking for pity or sympathy..so if you're reading this please don't take pity on me...it gives me the impression that i've stooped to a whole new low and will be discriminated or frowned upon or something...never liked that feeling at all...then again who does? i guess school was a waste of time today...and so will tomorrow...this coming friday we are going to sunway lagoon...some lps members...about 100 something members(no idea how everyone's going to keep track of one another...)...anyway i don't know if i'll enjoy myself but if i do then yay!if not then oh well at least i got to skip school with bm and maths teachers out of my hair for one day...praise the Lord! anyway...i guess i've thought about her all day...it's not an obsession thing or anything but i just couldn't stop thinking about why she unblocked me and stuff...our last conversation painted a very vivid memory in my mind and i am sure i heard her right when she didn't want to chat with me again...argghh...these things are just too frustrating for words... *misses her quite a lot*

Jin Han 9:45 PM

Monday, August 01, 2005

today marked the first of many horrible days...the years 2004 and 2005 are officially the worst two years of my high school life...and i am looking forward to leaving school with great enthusiasm...i feel like i'm going to break down or something because there is just too much work and too little time to do them all...i hate it when that happens...especially when most of them are concentrated on only one subject...antipathy fills the void of my soul as i keep pushing myself to excel...the more i study the more i dislike the subject,thereby negating the whole point of studying it in the first place!i've grown bored with english and tire of it constantly...same goes for eng. lit. as everything seems...out of reach...i hate it when i cannot control my fate...i hate it even more that i am unable to control my emotions...my feelings...the one thing i need now is equanimity and that is too far for me to reach...at least not at this moment...which brings me to the sight and news of couples and relationships...most people seem to benefit from them because emotional support is ensured...so is motivation and incentive...being deprived of either really makes me feel like crap...just wrote an essay entitled difficult choices...i wrote about how i was married and all was well for a short period of time,only to crumble at the hands of distance and emotional detachment...in the end a third party was introduced and my character had to choose between the two...in the end he embraced a third option - death...i really don't know why i wrote it like that but i just did...most of my stories are depressing and lugubrious to the core...thinking about happy endings never seemed to be a latent talent of mine...supposed to write another essay but i didn't bother already...i have to finish a question on the inheritance for my literature tomorrow and do some homework...oh well...the day's going to end soon and i'll be able to get some respite from the sweet silence that is sleep...

Jin Han 10:40 PM

dislikes

Being apart from my sayang. Seeing animals get tortured. Seeing people get hurt. Losing what's important to me. Sluggish internet connections. Bittergourds and zombies.

Links

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archives

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Credits

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