Friday, July 29, 2005

Which HP Kid Are You?

Jin Han 11:33 PM

what constitutes as maturity?is it an ability to keep oneself in equanimity even when faced with the most frustrating of occurrences?is it a form of forward thinking which is practical and more to the point of realistic?could it be a trait that comprises strength of mind,body and spirit?everyday i hear people accuse each other of being immature and peurile (i do so sometimes as well),but are they really right?one form of immaturity could very well be another form of wisdom and vice versa...so why do we judge people so openly,knowing full well that we do not know what we are accusing them of?if someone is being a pervert on purpose naturally we call him childish...then again if he chooses not to express himself we also call him childish albeit antisocial...pretty much between the devil and the deep blue sea...when we judge someone,do we take a good look at ourselves first?should we be comparing ourselves to others and judge them after that?would that be the right course of action? personally i believe that no matter how much we think that it is wrong to judge people evidently we will still judge them nonetheless...could it be that it is part of human nature to be relentless in being judgemental,or could it only be a form of self defense mechanism to make ourselves feel better?if is is the former,why were we created to have such defaming qualities?i try to never question God and His decisions...but were we created on this Earth to be sinners so that we could repent?why not just skip all the trouble and sunder our corrupt souls from our bodies,leaving only our pure spirits that are full of euphoria and kindness...we kill our own kind for the most ridiculous of reasons...we commit crimes for the most redundant dreams and aspirations...we only think of ourselves and our hearts are poisoned by greed,jealousy and such...we kill God's creatures for our own pleasure and satisfaction,not survival...we efface everything good that God created for us...why?why did he make us this way? homosapiens are ironically the stupidest species on this planet,but are also the dominant ones who literally control the world...we are the only species who kill our own kind for reasons other than survival...just take a look all around you...it is far more screwed up than one would imagine...and one cannot help but think that pretty soon we will be the cause of our own demise...thirty years from now are we going to have peace and love throughout the world?unlikely...are we going to create the next nuclear holocaust?very possible...i would not be surprised if what started as suicide bombings would eventually escalate into the next world war...my only hope is that i would not live to see that day happen...

Jin Han 2:46 AM

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

just finished watching the season finale of csi:crime scene investigators...there wasn't as much blood as i thought,only during the final parts of the show...it did have its twists though and i admit,i fell for them until it changed drastically in favour of a happy ending...yay!!anyway the show was really good,establishing quentin tarantino as an extremely able director...kudos to him! anyway i changed my blog layout..again...it'll probably look more depressing than before but i just think it's cool so don't misunderstand yeah?what's in my jukebox now...carrie underwood!!hehe...no more sad and soppy songs but what'll replace it is gospel and country...can't wait for carrie's album to come out this fall...it's definitely on my top wants besides watching charlie and the chocolate factory... it's pimple growing season this year...i have so many bumps on my face i think u can read my future through them soon...pressure is getting up and the stress is really building as my trial exams draw closer and closer...starting next week i would be completely booked from mondays to saturdays with tuition...only sunday for rest and even then that would be used for studying...it's just really scary and i don't know how i'm going to cope with it...wonder how everyone else did though... i keep telling myself that the ordeal will be over...on the 30th of november it will all be over and i would be allowed some much needed relaxation...right now i'm just on the verge of a panic attack as i have realised once again that i am too slow in my revision...coupled with eng. literature work time management seems of the essence right now...oh why did i even bother taking eng. lit.?i'm kicking myself because i caused myself some unnecessary effort...bah..oh well...have to get over it sooner or later right? after this i'm going to complete my chemistry notes and do some revision until i fall asleep...seems right yeah?but problem is i don't know what to study...chemistry probably because chem teacher told us to revise electrolisis and chemical cells...lol...luckily i do remember quite a bit of it or else i'd be up all night...i wonder...what would life be like if we only needed a minute to get a good day's rest?like in "my favourite martian',the martian only needed a few seconds to sleep and he was very very well rested after that,causing a plethora of grief and frustration for his human friend...that would really be something because no time would be wasted...at all...literally.

Jin Han 10:46 PM

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

i really miss those times when i did not need to care about anything at all...those days when i was in primary school and did not have to worry about my future as everything seemed all planned out by my parents at the time...now everything's just coming in all at once...exams...courses to plan...subjects to plan to take...the works...could it be that we are growing up too fast?i feel like i haven't learnt much from my adolescence and most of it seems blurry and vague...seems the only thing i can remember very well is things about her...which doesn't do me a whole lot of good because i hate feeling different emotions at the same time...whenever i think about her i get angry and happy and sad...such emotions are just too confusing to be bothered with...when am i going to get over it...?bah... extra classes for eng. lit and gce o levels english start next week and i am going to be really busy...if not trying to cope with school work then doing literature work...i have a lot to catch up with and i am seriously having difficulty juggling my time because i don't think trials will include eng. lit...and i have to study for trials really badly!sigh...the pressure is on and i don't think i'll be getting any breathing room anytime soon...just 3 more months...3 more months...then after that it'll all be gone...have to endure...god will pull me through.... on a whole nother level,i'm getting really tired...5 hours of sleep isn't exactly very healthy i'm starting to think...maybe i should learn to sleep 6-7 hours a day perhaps?don't really know because my mind might not be functioning properly when i get so little sleep...and i am eliminating my chances of possibly growing taller because sleeping promotes growth as well...*anxious*...oh bugger...if there were 48 hours in a day it would be really great...i mean 48 hours a day...7 days a week...4 weeks a month and vice versa...and we would still be living for 100 years on average... i am not liking the fact that one day i will grow old and feeble,with overgrown nosehair and earhair...*shudders*...it's just weird...if i were 85 and still as muscular as i would be 10 years from now i would be really thankful...of course that means adhering to a strict diet and basically depriving myself of the simple pleasures in life...then again i may be doing the same thing next year after spm...go figure...O.o

Jin Han 9:52 PM

Monday, July 25, 2005

weee finally downloaded the two singles by carrie underwood!!took me half an hour to download it but it was worth it!i'm a sucker for country ballads...hehe...anyway quite a lot of people were absent in school today...don't know for what reason but i guess i wasn't too bothered by it... i felt rather uneasy today again...guess being single isn't very encouraging when people around you are celebrating their lives together...but i kept telling myself that God will pull me through...that God will be there for me and that i can overcome that as long as i have His love which i know i have...made me feel a lot better...a lot a lot better...thank you Lord Jesus! to be perfectly honest i'm actually looking forward to going to prom...no idea why...i guess i want to take some time to move on...be at peace with myself and such you know...?lately the thought that she is the first person i really cared about crossed my mind several times...things like whether i would be basing future love interests after her came up and reminders of her were apparent...it's silly that i'm still attracted to her but i'm getting used to it...she'll always linger in my thoughts but i'm sure that one day i will forget about it...before that day comes i guess it'll just be something that's in my mind...won't matter to her...hopefully won't matter to me too... she wanted something from me today,but she conveyed her message through someone else...made me feel a little stupid because she didn't have to do that at all...i was surprised by my own eagerness to help her...i went around and rummaged for the information she wanted as servilely as if i was still a lovestruck puppy,willing to give her aid whenever she needed it...in the end she decided that she did not need it after all and that really made me a little frustrated because i went through all that effort...after a little while i just went..."whatever..."

Jin Han 9:57 PM

Sunday, July 24, 2005

i was planning to get a haircut today and was relatively avid on receiving one at that.unfortunately the hairdresser seemed to be conveniently off,dampening my spirits at the start of the day...i did buy 4 new books to read after spm...or maybe before if my mind is itchy enough...memoirs of a geisha by arthur golden,when we were orphans by kazuo ishiguro,the lake of dead languages by carol goodman and the line of beauty by alan hollinghurst...all of which are popular reads today...can't wait to read them...only spent 2 hours in 1 utama because i had to lunch with a few relatives of mine...so i had a corney dog combo set large and went on my way to a seafood restaurant...we ate a lot...and i only managed to keep myself from throwing up by taking a mint...geez... oh and besides that,my mp3 player keeps crashing when i try to shut it down!it's really that screwed up and i have no idea why...sigh...oh well...no biggie... i really miss having the conversations with her...kind of feels so...empty...there is no one around i remotely want to talk to on msn anymore...i guess i will have to change that too...i'm currently listening to the song incomplete by bsb..(please don't be thinking the wrong way just because i'm listening to a boy band)...it really speaks to me and i can totally relate to the song...except the fact that i am not the victim...i was never a victim...kind of sucks that it's like that because it certainly would give me a better reason for feeling empty and such...there's just no feeling in there anymore... on another note...a friend told me today to be strong and keep my faith in jesus...she said god is always in control...i guess he is...and i need so much of his love right now...he will help me get through the night...get through the pain...get through my life...i will renew my faith in you jesus christ...i will repent for my sins...i've accepted you into my heart...take me into your fold,oh lord jesus...

Jin Han 11:32 PM

you know what?i just realised that we do really stupid things sometimes...we purposely make ourselves look better,dress ourselves up to look glamorous,put on fake smiles that we know we don't feel...all of which we do to impress people,make them feel envious,jealous or guilty etc...i am rather sure that we all do it regardless of who we are...human being are not perfect...they never are...but why do we do these things...?why do we put so much effort into other people's impression of us?i admit even i do it...i think i do it all the time...it's true that i go to the gym nowadays...but for what?on the surface i want to look good and have a healthy body,but is there an ulterior motive?a hidden agenda?i cannot help but think about my actions,my reasons for doing so...of course we put on different faces for the world to see,faces which we do not want,feelings which we do not feel...i still remember the poem once upon a time,about how a father is forced to resort to foresaking his sincerity for survival...it's quite sad sometimes and it really feels like the real world is not far off at all...hiding behind masks and disguises are sometimes a form of courtesy...to interact politely with a guest,avoid insulting people and so on...i'm not really talking about that...i'm talking about how we turn ourselves into someone we're not...how we try so hard to be part of the 'normal' crowd or the 'cool' crowd...it is like we have stripped all sense of love for ourselves to the point of defaming ourselves...why should we care so much about what people think?do we want acceptance so badly that we have to compromise ourselves to get it?if so,what are the ethics in that?i'm still wondering about myself...why i do the things i do...why i try to feel the things i feel...hmm..there is obviously too much thinking involved here so i guess i'll just stop here....

Jin Han 1:17 AM

a closeup of my cat...interestingly i actually got it clear on my first try...i'm a better photographer than i thought after all...XD

Jin Han 12:30 AM

Saturday, July 23, 2005

i officially despise biology...the ovulations of plants?how pollen is produced?my mind was in circles when i was reading it this morning...thankfully i have some time to read it again tonight...have to sacrifice some leisure time in the name of education...sigh...oh well...i'm sure i'll benefit from it in the long run...*cough* 111 days more *cough*...strangely for me when i put it into days it really makes me panic but when i put it in months or weeks i'm completely fine...apparently days go by faster for me,hence the disarray within myself... i would also like to point out to the people out there that i am not depressed...i just like the anime character in the background okay?i'm not a misery loving guy...in fact that is the last thing i want...i've been depressed and sad for myself for so long it is getting...well...it's getting kind of boring...weird huh...being bored with misery...oh well... anyway no thoughts come to mind just yet...i'll get back to you tonight when the lassitude has waned...later

Jin Han 6:34 PM

Friday, July 22, 2005

school was a total bore today..again...i guess i'd rather use that time to either sleep or do a bit of studying...oh goodness just 112 days more to spm...i even have a countdown clock now...kind of makes me really panicky because i feel so unprepared...there is A LOT of work to be done and i just wish i could stop time...it would be a HELL of a lot easier if i could turn 24 hours into 48 or 72...wow...i'd have enough sleep,adequate exercise and enough time for studying and doing work...*fantasises a bit more* right so i am starting on my biology work now...hoping to finish something and actually have it embedded into my head before the night's out...which gives me about 2-3 hours to do it...then hopefully i can start something new tomorrow...geez...11 subjects really is that difficult to handle...oh well...no use complaining because we are going to have to face it sooner or later so off i go then.... i think harry potter is a bit too overrated if you ask me...expectations soar so high people tend to get disappointed in the end if it isn't up to par...which according to some of my friends is quite true...but i'm really not sure whether the story(about deaths and all) should actually make it a children's book?heh...i wonder if they actually understand the concept of betrayal,deceit and a world so sordid they have no comprehension of reality...*muses a bit*...nah...maybe harry potter is becoming more of an adult book despite its...rudimentary language content...call me biased but i tend to lean over to books which i can actually learn a load of new words from...heh...kind of a language freak sometimes...oh well...i am officially stocking up on books to read after spm...i have tash aw's harmony silk factory, john steinbeck's east of eden and the grapes of wrath, amitav ghosh's the hungry tide, sebastian faulks' birdsong and a rapidly burgeoning collection of novels worthy of reading....lol i seriously can't wait for spm to be over...

Jin Han 10:23 PM

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

didn't go to school today...pushed myself too hard in the gym yesterday and coupled with that measles jab i just could not pick myself up this morning...slept all through the morning into late morning/early afternoon...it felt really good...really wish i could do the same tomorrow but chances are i will be showing my face in school...rats...sometimes i do feel like school is a colossal waste of time but it is the only time where i do get to socialise with people and such...but truthfully i do not feel like i have learnt anything from school...but have to go nonetheless...it is a stupid but mandatory rule we all have to live by... anyway...managed to download marion raven's album Here I Am...it isn't bad at all...the tunes are catchy,easy to listen to and have this rock-like feel to it...one of my favourites... don't really have much to say here...most of the time i'm just wondering what she's thinking at this time...what she's doing etc...usually those things only come up when i don't feel like doing anything...and i really don't feel like doing anything today...sigh..oh well..i have to get something done soon before i sleep so i'll keep this entry short... have some sort of detachment issues because i've been a librarian for so long and well...now i'm not...retired...responsibilities which are no longer mine still feels like they are..and power i used to have i guess i miss...oh well...comes with the territory i guess so i won't bother too much about it...man i wish i was so intelligent to the point that i didn't need to study anything at all..that's be a real time saver indeed...

Jin Han 10:04 PM

Sunday, July 17, 2005

past and present ajk kumpulan pengelasan buku...good times..good times

Jin Han 12:41 AM

Saturday, July 16, 2005

it was election day today,finally we got to retire!unofficial but still...it feels good to know that i no longer need to stay back on mondays...i get to go home...hehe...anyway..it went pretty well i gather say for a few undesired events...was a bit frustrated today because had to maintain some discipline(it was bloody chaotic alright)...will not be my problem starting tomorrow anyway lol...a lot of our seniors came back to school to see...it was nice seeing old faces among the sea of new ones... kind of stupid really...the whole week i was hoping that she would be coming...maybe not hoping but i knew...don't know how but i just knew...was thinking about it quite a lot...like how i would be feeling if she did come and how i would react.simulations were played over and over in my head and they were pretty pointless in the end.when she came i did not notice much as i was trying to control the situation and talking to my juniors...but when i did notice her emotions just surged through my body...one part of me said "hey!she came!wow!" and another part said "she came...oh...sighz...she came..." of course i did not talk to her the whole time...i am quite the chicken...did not know what to say really...after a few months of no talking,smsing or chatting,it gets weird...wonder if she is still mad at me or something...she looked good i guess...better than before...good for her... we took a group photo of all the ajk pengelasan buku...i think we had about 2 or 3 former ajk pengelasan buku and the new ones...we were competing with the ajk pengelasan majalah....(how many people you can cram into one photo..)anyway it was pretty awkward..for me anyway...i mean even though i was at one end and she was at the other...just felt weird for me...the whole time i did not know what to do except converse with everyone except the person i wanted to talk to the most...makes me want to slap myself because i let things slip through my fingers so easily... when she left i felt really empty inside...come to think of it i have been feeling kind of empty these past months...i wish there was this pause switch so that i could just pause my feelings and i could do anything i wanted without being influenced by them...i smiled and laughed with everyone but seriously i did not know how to deal with things...thinking about her makes me angry,sad and happy at the same time...and seeing her again...brings back some fond memories and bitter ones...wanted to just get away from it all but did not get the chance to...even being her friend is better than feeling like this...but i am still feeling bad for past wrongs...when am i going to move on?

Jin Han 6:53 PM

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

hmm..haven't updated my blog in quite a while...i'm finally working up the nerve to start on my essay(which should be due this week at the latest i should think...)i want to write something different...something that will inspire...at the moment i'm looking for a creative spark...reaching there but it's going to take quite a while so i should get at it...after this blogler... today was a rather depressing one...the whole time i was thinking about her and nothing else...everything else seemed secondary and insignificant...i really should not be harbouring such thoughts but it came and i was not prepared for it at all...i spent the day thinking again...actually...thinking about...nothing except her...obsession i gather...i keep telling myself that it's an obsession that should be dealt with as soon as possible in my best interests...well i should...i'm thinking how i am proposing to do that...i guess i will be getting on that soon enough as well...anyway...exams are coming and i am panicking...i feel like i have not done much preparation...whoops...that means i have to stop watching television and glue my eyes to the table instead..after i finish my essay i promise myself i will get back to studying...i cannot afford to get mediocre results for my trials..i just can't... prom is coming...13th of december to be more exact...i am required to go(as requested by my friends) but with whom is still yet to be determined...i just do not know who to go with...naturally i would ask her but what good would that do?and i would still be on that obsession thing...*jeez*...whenever i see people together i envy them...i sometimes even get a little jealous...kind of sucks to be single when you think about it...i am not a loner anyway...if i were alone i would go completely insane...oh i hope someone will be going with me to Australia when i finish my A Levels...i do not think i would be able to survive there alone...hopefully my sister would still be there then i would be able to live with her ^^...then i would never be so alone because she would always bother me then...XD

Jin Han 9:03 PM

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Jin Han 7:07 PM

Saturday, July 09, 2005

my whole body is aching right now...apparently yesterday's gym session was quite intensive...doing chin-ups without any support and being 164 pounds makes it rather difficult to pull off...anyway,my fingers hurt and i have blisters on my palm...back aches a bit and my shoulders are numb...to put things short i need loads of time to recover...>.< anyway,on to today's topic...why are we such hopeless romantics,especially at this age?could it be a hormone thing?but we're already 17 and soon our growth may actually halt altogether,so why are we still yet to achieve a climax of some sort because from what i know most of us still feel the growing need to dream and hope for relationships etc...there is always a hope that we will eventually find someone whom we would be able to share our entire lives with despite the fact that we have not even lived to 1/5s of our lifetime yet...the stubborn ones often keep holding on in the hopes that their current love interest would become that person but hey,they are stubborn...there must be some sort of stability when in a relationship because my friend's results kept shooting up after he went steady...most people are also infinitely more jubilated to have someone to love and someone who loves them...what about those people who aren't in a relationship?how do they stay happy without relying on someone else to provide contentment and emotional stability?studies,seclusion,hobbies...do they really work?i mean they do put your mind off things temporarily but do they really provide a feeling equal to that of the bliss you feel when you're with someone you love whole-heartedly?i used to think that these things were rather complicated but in the few years i've done a bit of growing up and well...this love business isn't as complicated as it sounds...when it comes down to it the kind of love that exists is what separates people...there is brotherly love,parental love,God's love...so many kinds of love that we may even take them for granted...i know i have taken things like that for granted before...it's a sad but real truth...though we know we are being ignorant we are still self-centred...man will never be content with what they have...or at least not for the moment unless they reach a form of enlightenment that might light up their paths to the way God wants us to follow...oh i do envy those people... (i'm not even sure if what i just said was relevant...suffice to say i think i was disheveling my thoughts one by one...>.<)

Jin Han 11:55 PM

Monday, July 04, 2005

yet another pessimistic post today...in my last two weeks of being the vice president of the librarian board i finally feel and intense worry for the library...i also feel like i have failed the library,my peers and my juniors...i feel like i haven't done enough for the library or something...makes me a little uneasy at times but i'm okay with it...after all,there is nothing more i can do already...i just hope that the next batch will be better than us...to be perfectly candid i'm rather doubtful but one should always hope right?i'm also rather disappointed with the form 3s...at least some of them...i really thought that they could put the library back on the map as a disciplined group who are dedicated to their jobs and obligations...but they seem to have their own issues to deal with...i really think some of them should think about their responsibilities in the library...think about it real hard... anyway on to other things...i'm rather fascinated by how she says "don't judge others by their looks"...well..the term judge caught my eye...it really set off some rather evil thoughts i seemed to have conjured up along the way...if she preaches for people to stop judging others...why does she judge me for one mistake?why does she suddenly think..oh hez a crazy nuthead...never talk to him again...by that is she not judging me by the mistake i made?she may not be readnig this blog but i'm going to say it anyway...DROP THE ACT!YOU JUDGE PEOPLE TOO!...i guess i really do have nothing more to say to her...finally something we actually agree on...people who are hypocritical just make me angry...am i wrong to be thinking like this?am i twisting a statement to make myself feel better?am i purposely not looking at what she really means?then again,don't we all?we only believe what we want to believe...we could shut the whole world out if we wanted to...can we see past what assumptions and conclusions we draw up from one's actions...?i guess it is a double edged sword after all...it is our actions that define who we really are...but can one action account for a person's whole character?what if they never intended for it to happen?what if they didn't explain the situation better?what if they panicked?what if they just broke down?do we have the right to judge them then?do we even have the right to judge ANYONE?think about it...get back to me on that when you find an answer...u can post it on my flooble chatterbox...

Jin Han 10:06 PM

Friday, July 01, 2005

my sister is finally back from Melbourne!!Finally...someone who can bother and irritate me to no end...at least it's someone to talk to rather than just a wall and my blog...when i think about it people can never do things alone...they get...lonely...sometimes i wish i was like my cat...cats do not require much companionship...in fact,put a cat in an enclosed room without sound,people or light and the cat will do just fine...put a human into a room like that and he definitely will go insane in a month or a few weeks later...if we were remotely capable of that i would not be in such a state of misery...then again what is life without a certain form of suffering?call me pessimistic but i still think we are forced to suffer at some point of our lives...i guess it is what defines us...through suffering we determine who is strong and who is weak,who has the ability to pull through and who has not...rather simple actually...i think i have a little identity crisis here...facing a difficulty in distinguishing who i am and who i should be...it's strange really...never figured that i'd be hit with everything at once...it seems like every challenge every obstacle every test just bombards me at the same time...sigh...don't really have the mood to blog right now...i have to really question my faith and also my life...repent...repent...oh God i do repent to You...what have i become....

Jin Han 10:32 PM

dislikes

Being apart from my sayang. Seeing animals get tortured. Seeing people get hurt. Losing what's important to me. Sluggish internet connections. Bittergourds and zombies.

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