i think the things people say about love are just silly...almost every day i receive these chain letters about how love feels like and other nonsense...frankly speaking i do not think an ounce of it is true at all...all this talk about how it is when you are in love seems a bit too good to be true...sure the hopeless romantic within each and every one of us want to believe that but how many of those things actually are true?i think love for everyone is different...different people have different perspectives of love and how they articulate their emotions...in fact some do not even express them at all,or at least remains recondite within themselves..when it comes down to it love is not just a feeling...because if it is,it would never last..passion and lust never does nor do the relationships based on those emotions...i think love is more of an act or a will rather than a feeling...sure we ent up becoming attracted to someone but for how long?hitherto the percentage of long-lasting relationships based on attraction is probably 20% at most...we have to make things work and make due with what we have if we are to keep a long-term relationship...no wonder there are so many broken hearted people out there...it is because they fail to recognise that the will to maintain a relationship poses a more significant role rather than the emotions involved...that's what i think but it might very well be an excuse for me to keep holding on to a useless hope...i'd rather love her than any other person in the world...but it really doesn't matter how i feel because in spite of my strong feelings for her it will never be reciprocated...sometimes i feel really helpless because i can do nothing to stem the tide of sadness within myself...it would be really nice to just wake up one day and think of her,feeling no pain,or happiness at all...man that would be a great feeling indeed...then again...waking up and thinking of her and feeling happy would actually be a welcome respite as well...but i'm getting too ahead of myself here...

Jin Han 12:31 AM

Saturday, May 28, 2005

i think having some kind of emotional detachment can be good for the soul at times...especially those moments when you feel you cannot go on because of the mistakes you've made...the things you've lost...i know that God does this for a reason,whether to punish me or not is only to His knowledge,but honestly i have dropped to the point where faith,though powerful as it is,cannot quell the ever burgeoning pain within my heart...every step through life becomes more difficult and thought i have barely touched my second decade here on earth,i feel like i have lost a part of me already...i may look back on this period in the near future and laugh because i've been such a silly person or maybe i won't...either way it is what God intends...who am i to interfere with God's plan...i can do nothing but sit back and let the feeling pass,leave my heart in the hands of His Holiness...even then...such faith betrays me...for it does not seem enough...it is definitely wrong of me to be thinking like this...i don't know anymore...i should stop thinking so much....

Jin Han 12:28 AM

Friday, May 27, 2005

what i'm reading right now...it's a great novel! Posted by Hello

Jin Han 9:30 PM

today was a really horrible day...i could not wake up in time but managed to get to school at an acceptable 7.10am...i was not feeling very enthusiastic on going to school because i knew something depressing was bound to happen...sure enough it did...i got back some of my exam results...i did horribly in every one...i know it is not trials or the real exam but those results really deflated my self-confidence...almost everyone beat me in at least one subject...i felt depressed the whole day...so i spent the rest of the maths period reading Our Daily Journey and reflecting on the destination points given...after that i cheered up a bit...but then i was struck down by more upsetting news of more exam results...just could not bear it...i was not only depressed because of my sudden deppreciation in academic quality but because i felt sad for her as well...urges to talk to her again were met by fear of getting smacked in the face...and i contemplated my life more and more...apparently i do not have a very close circly of friends...in fact,it feels like i do not have any friends at all...whenever i need someone to talk to they are never there...when i do not feel like conversing they start to tease and instigate me to the point of anger...sometimes i really wonder why i even call them friends...i have not talked about this to anyone of late...i think it is taking a toll on my psyche...inferiority complex is setting in and even praying or talking to God cannot redeem myself from the pit i have fallen into...there are times when i just feel like breaking down into tears and just cry a bit...i do not think crying is a reserved for girls only thing...everyone should cry..but i cannot cry...no matter how depressed i get i cannot cry...articulating my feelings and emotions seem difficult as well because in the end people who notice will not console me but try being "realistic"...they would probably say.."hey..there are bigger things than you and i...look at the bigger picture here..."something like that...i know all that crap...but do you think that is ever enough to make someone feel better?definitely not!it only serves as a pitiful excuse not to listen to one's problems...there is no one i can talk to about this...i am really tired of trying to be happy and cheerful almost all the time because it just is not what i feel...i do not feel elation,i feel depression,i do not think optimistically,i think pessimistically...it is just difficult to find a good friend nowadays...when you tell someone something you deem personal strangely it will come up in a conversation be it between you and someone else or amongst other people...almost everyone has a close friend or two or someone who is willing to listen...but to be perfectly candid,there is none for me...i am depressed,lonely and my foundations are slowly crumbling down...

Jin Han 12:14 AM

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

lately i'm putting more and more trust in God...basically i'm almost entrusting him with my very fate...of course i do stuff to determine my own futureler,but what transpires in my life are basically in His hands...seems i'm becoming a christian after all...LoL...and that's not a bad thing too!by the way,exams are finally over! yay!i can finally read the books i've been waiting to read...hehe...i'm really hoping to increase my vocabulary by a few fold...have to compete with everyone else after all... of late she has appeared in my thoughts more times than i can count...it seems whenever i see any girl i am reminded of her...i cannot believe i am going this crazy about a girl...O.O...it's shocking...absolutely shocking...i'm so tired..just so very tired of everything...i am hoping for some respite from reading the bible,praying to the Lord and reading books...and i don't have the mood to go on and on about what i'm feeling right now...so this post will be short...

Jin Han 10:24 PM

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

one more day..just one more day and i'm free for the rest of the week...i have to study physics for tomorrow but seriously i don't have the mood to anymore...literature tuition was good though...i laughed so hard i think i had a sore throat shorty thereafter...today i reflected on how much responsibility i still have for the library...i guess as the vice president i should make sure the library is in tip top shape but lately i don't seem to be doing such a good job at it...it's my final year as a member of the librarian board but my will to continue doing my job seems to have dissipated...i'm even hoping that i'll retire soon so i won't have to worry so much...when it comes down to it i think almost every form 5 librarian does not want to work anymore...but sadly we still have to...more than the librarian board of yesteryear too...anyway...i try not to think too much about these things..i have enough ill thoughts as it is...sometimes i feel really lonely...i don't talk to a lot of people online...in fact..most of the time i don't talk to anyone at all...i feel really sad today...okay..maybe i feel sad every day but today transcends yesterday and the day before by ten fold...i feel like almost everything seems meaningless...say for His love...i keep thinking that God's love will make me whole...i guess i have to take more time to talk to him..so that he might enlighten me on how to go on with life because...it feels like i'm going through a mid-life crisis...but it's too soon for me to be facing that so it should be a mid-teen crisis...i really have to talk to someone...it's driving me so stupidly crazy...later i think i'm going to pray extra longer...

Jin Han 10:18 PM

Monday, May 23, 2005

i was supposed to study today...but sadly i failed to do so...just didn't feel like studying anymore because it was a long break (4 days) and it was the last two days of exam...it got me worried...if i lost steam just 2 weeks after exam what about spm?that lasts about...one month!!so i guess i will have to really concentrate and focus on the exam the next time around,which is probably going to be around July...something about Gerak Gempur or something...if they use the whole syllabus on that one i think they are crazy because by then the teachers would not have finished...i don't even think that they will finish the syllabus by this year at the rate they are going unless they have a LOT of extra classes...anyway,i did manage to cram in a chapter or 2 of history...and i'm reading my biology right now...but 30 minutes ago i was watching a documentary on kissing...seriously...they talked about the muscles used to kiss,hormones stimulated by the kiss,how it boosts the immune system etc...i just sat there in front of the television staring in disbelief..i was watching people kissing for 30 minutes straight...it was really funny though... anyway,things were going oh so well when again...she popped up in my mind...a boat load of memories resurfaced and suddenly i saw flashbacks of almost everything that happened between us...it was really scary because every time it played,it really hit hard...i still find it difficult to cope with the fact that she and i are not talking anymore...last time i only talked to a few people online...now i'm talking to less...it's not her fault really...i hate it when people who know about my predicament think that she is to blame or something...i really would like to bash their heads in if they did think that because it never was her fault...it was my very actions that led to my own undoing...i hate it that i've caused her pain in the past...but that is one of many things i cannot prevent...if i had the power to change things i would ameliorate her life,whether personal or otherwise...basically the easiest way to get over her is to fall for someone else,but when you have started thinking that she is near perfect,you find it hard for anyone else to fill their shoes...maybe i'm making a big deal out of a small thing...maybe i'm just exaggerating about my feelings for her...or maybe not...i really cannot tell...but every time her visage appears in the front of my mind i cannot help depressed...dwelling on the past is indeed a dangerous and relatively useless thing to do...but i just can't help it...sigh...maybe those are one of the reasons why i am seeking Christianity...because i am looking for something to hold onto...to seek God's wisdom and put my faith and feelings into God and Lord Jesus Christ...

Jin Han 11:06 PM

Sunday, May 22, 2005

strangely i woke up at 7 something in the morning with a jolt...like i was late for church or something...got the shock of my life but then i looked at my watch and it read 7.45am...i reeled back into bed and slept again till the alarm rang so many times at 8.20am that i got irritated and went to the bathroom to clean myself up...church was not bad today,quite an experience indeed...Esther's church is quite traditional with really gospel-ly songs and traditional stuff...but the church had air-conditioning,a projector,cameras etc. so i think the building itself is quite momdern...they even have footrests for well...your feet!tian an came along with esther and her sister zoe so i wasn't completely alone...thank God...we sang songs,prayed,greeted each other and read from the bible...we also listened to the pastor's sermons and a guest speaker,which was...surprise surprise...another pastor!they also sang a song on how to say good morning in Cambodian,Thai,Vietnamese,Australian,Chinese,Malaysian,Korean etc...it was quite funny because they sang Good Day Good Die...>.<..LoL...their Australian accents weren't very sharp i gather...anyway,reading Bible verses were cool and we got blessed by the pastors...i didn't know there were so many of them though...hehe...i had to go home early though...sadly...i really wanted to stay for bible studies..at least go for one...i wish i could go next week...but i don't know how to...maybe i can ask my friend whether she can fetch me to the church and back to her house and i get people to pick me up from her house...hmm...sounds like a plan eh?hehe...next week is also a different service,whereby the youths and the more...elderly have separate services..maybe the youth services have more upbeat songs...hehe...i'd really like to go again next week...and i have to remember to dress a little more formal..a t-shirt and jeans just won't cut it for church...hehe...maybe a button shirt with jeans should be okay...don't really know...i guess i'll find out from Esther on Tuesday hehe...i'm still speaking with a speech compadiment...i really hope i'll get used to it by tuesday...or else i'd suffer the wrath of Jun Keen,En Hao and gang along with the teasings and lame puns they might put on me...silly retainers...didn't realise they would be such a bother...heh..oh well...it's alright i guess....as long as it's a good laugh i should think that it will be fine...^^

Jin Han 11:21 PM

Saturday, May 21, 2005

just watched star wars clone wars on cartoon network...lol...i'm really geared up for star wars ep. 3 liao...i think next time i would like to get the original star wars trilogy and the prologue trilogy as well...then i'll probably watch it straight away non-stop...one episode after another...that will certainly spice things up a little...anyway...tomorrow i get to go to my friend's church...i didn't expect for my mother to allow me to go..what a surprise...XD... anywayz...i guess i really miss her right now...just imagine this...you see her...but you can't talk to her...you hear her...but u can't walk up to her...if you have been in this circumstance before you will know how agonising that feels...i think she may be facing the same problem too...only it's with some other boy...oh well...i guess i'm not that bothered about it anymore...it's your basic love chain...A likes B,B likes C...the chain goes on and on...fact of the matter is that it's something that happens almost every day...and you know what becomes of the chain?it never ends...evidently no one gets to go home happy and content..why?because they will never be able to get what they want...man desires what he cannot have...it is pretty typical...but when you think about it...you'll think...hey...since i cannot have what i really want,might as well settle for something else right?want something else?but this is where the problem starts...until you get what you really want,you will never be satisfied...you will never be able to quench your thirst for something more until there is something/someone who is truly perfect to you...it is then that you will be able to live contently...or at least for a longer time...i suppose that's why i don't really feel like anyone else right now...because i know i'll probably feel dissatisfied with what i have...sighz...i suppose it's quite okay...but in the end i'm sure i'm the one to lose out on opportunities...

Jin Han 12:22 PM

Friday, May 20, 2005

yay...friday is here at last!!chinese today was horrible..i didn't know how to do anything...sighz..but i was really relieved that it had passed...pjpk was okay at least...i finished the paper in 20 mins and spent the next 40 writing phrases in cursive...i think i can write stuff for hallmark now ^^...anywayz...an american band came over to chs today...for christian fellowship..yes lately i've been paying visits on friday...i think it's really good to boost my faith and meet new friends...and a really good way to worship God and have loads of fun doing it...the americans were really friendly and one of them,Israel,recited a passage in the book of Daniel...he really brought a lot of things which i did not realise until now to mind...he must be those deep thinkers hehe...anyway,he's a really good speaker i must say...after that one of the americans,Blake,sang a really nice song...wow...all i can say is his vocal power can overwhelm the entire school choir combined....wow...amazing...came back happy and had fried rice for lunch with mangoes as a dessert...yum!after that lazed about and went to gym...came back...ate dinner and here i am...LoL...nothing new to report today and i don't really feel like talking about her...maybe later at night...

Jin Han 10:23 PM

Thursday, May 19, 2005

okay..nothing can officially go into my thick cranium...sighzz...i really don't understand why i can't seem to focus properly now...maybe it's because me interest in chinese(or lack of it) is interfering with my ability to absorb...ahh...really can't take it...don't know if i'm going to survive chinese tomorrow...sighz... on the other hand...i hear that she's going through a rough time...makes me sad to hear that...i mean sure she and i are on the outs but it doesn't mean i have no feelings for her...it's kinda silly because she seems to be facing the same problems i did for so many years...maybe even now it's plaguing me from time to time...anyway...i hope she won't be reading this because it will probably just implicate a degree of obsession within me or something...therefore making things so much worse than it already is for me...i kinda feel bad that shez feeling lonely or something...call me estranged but i can totally relate to her situation...after all...i've been in times when there were no friends to support me or talk to me for that matter...anywayz...my concern probably wouldn't matter but...oh well...can't help feeling bad...she must be having traces of sadness or something within her...i suppose part of me would like to say..."yay!you feel it too huh?finally u know how it feels like!!"..the other part would say "aww..that's too bad...i hope that you'll get better.."which part is dominant i still do not know...i guess my feelings are kinda mixed now...who would have thought that i would drop to such insane degrees of confusion?not me that's for sure...

Jin Han 10:37 PM

my braces are off!!finally they are gone from my mouth!!!yay! okay..rewind...i took off me braces and for 2 days i got to feel empty because i still wasn't used to the sudden increase in space in my mouth...but today i just got my retainers...so i have two mouthpieces in my mouth,top and bottom...it makes me sound like i have a speech compadiment or something...but i'm sure i'll get used to it...the lower retainerz a bit weird though...cos something went wrong with my mould...i'm going back to check on that in June because the orthodontist is going on holiday next week...oh well...i hope i get used to this talking with things in my mouth thing...or i'll be teased at by most of my friends...>.<...oops... just three more days and i'm free for the next week or two!!!hehehe...counting down...don't feel like studying for tomorrow because...surprise surprise...tomorrow's my chinese paper...sighz...i really don't feel like studying it but sadly i have to...at least remember a few things...have to keep telling myself..3 more days...3 more days...XD well..i think i'll start studying at 5pm...that is if i can still remember what to study for chinese...hehehe... tomorrow an american christian band is coming to chs...i plan on going but still not very sureler...wanna know when it ends...might as well sms esther later...i'm feeling rather lazy now..hehe...maybe i'll laze around on friday too...because monday is wesak day and i don't have school...so an extra day to study...hehehe.... LoL...i really love the song When The Lights Go Down and Cry from Faith Hill...been listening to it over and over again...hehe...anywayz...on to the more important stuff... i think i'm at a crossroads here...road one-keep thinking of her and stay insane;road two-forget about her and think of the hunger that constantly makes itself known in my stomach;option three-go and study.... i'm still trying to make up my mind...hehe...

Jin Han 5:04 PM

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

the movie i was watching a while back...silly,funny and relatively romantic...pleasant movie ^^ Posted by Hello

Jin Han 11:27 PM

sejarah today was strangely okay...i knew how to do most of the questions...but when i glanced to my left,my friend was scribbling away...one question was almost one page...mine barely even touched three quarters of it...i got worried...but it's over already so no point worrying about it...today was also the day....i took off mybraces!!!yay!!!kekekekeke....yet it feels so empty..like something's supposed to be there but it isn't....feels a little weird but oh well...i'll get used to it...^^ nothing interesting to report today...quite mundane...i didn't do a lot of studyin for chemistry 3 tomorrow...just didn't feel like studying...O.O....man...gonna have to rush tonight and tomorrow morning...lately i've been waking up early just to study some topics...was worth it though because i could remember better...i am so dreading friday...why?because it's chinese!!*gulp*...i guess i'll take things one at a time hehe....i think after this exam i have to buck up and stop all this last minute business...since my workload is getting larger...have to do more consistent studying...and i hope my average won't deppreciate this term...last term was disastrous...i dropped to 73...nasty...this term i hope to get more than thatler...more by .sth also can...as long as i improve...i think i'm losing it already...my mind's wandering off when it's not supposed to...i have to keep it on a leash so it doesn't go out of control...LoL...kinda stupid that that happens...i watched Laws of Attraction that day...i think it was a really pleaasant movie...quite good too,though it's kinda corny...i mean it's something like a typical love story with some sprinkles of wit and humour in it...overall i think it was good for me...apparently i started thinking...can we really apply what we learn from movies into real life?is it strange to compare your own predicament with a similar situation from a movie?because in some movies,there are actually a few truths in them...but still...again...something to ponder...XD

Jin Han 11:06 PM

Monday, May 16, 2005

wow..i haven't blogged in 3 days...was really busy preparing for the exam...apparently i'm still busy preparing for the exam...tomorrowz sejarah 2 with essay and structure questions >.<...dang it...anywayz...it's really nice to be blogging..can get things outta my head...though i've been busy just started thinking of her again...ya know if there was some clamp i could put on where those thoughts were coming from i'd get one in a dang hurry...i think my old self would be so ashamed to look the newer me in the eye cos i'm such a mess...it's really difficult to mask your feelings in public..smiling and laughing when i really feel depressed...gee...lots to read later...don't know if i'm gonna make it but i have to have some confidence...at least tomorrow i have an hour to read because they have accounts...*phew*...i really want to ask my mum if i could go to my friend's church this sunday...i'm eager to find out what it's like...my family doesn't know i'm converting...not sure how they are going to react...so i haven't said anything yet...if they are conservative i would be in a heck of a lot of trouble...but faith in the Lord is helping me get by...man i'm so thankful that Esther opened my heart to Jesus...still not sure how to pray properly yet...usually i just say what is on my mind and i pray for her and my family...i don't really pray for myself..i think that's rather selfish...XD...maybe i should pray for my friends too..ooh..can't wait for this friday...i think i'm gonna pop back to christian fellowship for some singing..LoL...i really enjoyed that last week...YAY!!hehe...anyway...listening to faith hill now...wow..she is a really good country singer...i wonder if she has any new albums..if yes,then let me at em!!!she really is gifted...and tomorrow guess what...?i'm taking off my BRACES!!!!!FINALLY!!!LoL...i'll give u an update tomorrow about my teeth...wow..this week is gonna be really busy...

Jin Han 8:33 PM

Friday, May 13, 2005

well...chemistry was not as bad as i thought...aside from not reading a few parts which came out..(still beating myself up because of that)...the rest of the day was quite okay...^^...esther dragged me off to christian fellowship meeting in the afternoon...i didn't regret it ^^...it really was quite fun and i did feel....hmm...feel....satisfied...^^..wow...never felt that good before in my life...must be the result or worshipping God so much ^^...i should do more of that as i go along...didn't have bm tuition today so lazed around until gym time...before that i went to get a bible...and i did get one ^^ new international version and i can fit it into my bag to use along with my daily journey...reading it after the exam will indeed be quite fun...but i also wanna read a handful of other novels too...guess i'll have to juggle my time better ^^...that means less NBA Live 2005 and more reading!!!don't think ill be sleeping so early tonight...but tomorrow i think i'll wake up at 8 or 9 sth to finish my physics once and for all...then can start with sejarah...but got a malay wedding dinner tomorrow night at 8pm...don't really know what time it will end...sighzz...i wish i did not need to go but mum is forcing me...what's worse,i have another dinner on sunday with my uncle and auntie from australia...they made a pitstop here on their way from china so we're joining them for dinner somewhere around 6 sth...yet more time wasted...gosh..timing really sucks this week...and mum still does not understand that i really do not want to go for either of the two dinners...i do not mind home food or even ordering pizza...but...sighzz...why is it that only i have to go to these kind of things when other teenagers get to choose whether they want to go or not?sometimes i really feel like it is not very fair to me...and it certainly is not in my best interests either...sighz...oh well...that's what life's all about...almost everything comes unexpectedly,making it infinitely more interesting...sometimes even disastrous...ah...don't wanna think about it anymore...i think i'll skim through my physics tonight..hopefully it will reduce the amount of studying i have to do later tomorrow...

Jin Han 11:54 PM

Thursday, May 12, 2005

ooh..closeup..hehehehe Posted by Hello

Jin Han 5:55 PM

sighzz...how to study when hez sleeping on my table..? Posted by Hello

Jin Han 5:55 PM

well...bm was really nasty today...apparently i was dreading that biodata pengarang was going to come out because i didn't have the time to read it,but my friend,who also failed to read,kept saying,"it will come out.it will come out."in the end,what do you know............ ......it came out....again,more irony in my life....add maths...oo...those two words really strike a nerve sometimes...first question and i was surprised because...i was clueless...the rest was okay i suppose,but that quesiton...oh well...i kinda didn't care much about it after the exam...guess i'm starting to become less kiasu...(oh shit..less kiasu??NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............)anyway,some people cried after the paper...i saw two of my friends cry..felt really sorry for them...must have been the paper obviously...but in a way i was also kind of envious...cos i don't really cry...i think having a good cry doesn't mean that you're sissy or whatever...nono...my opinions are much more profound than that hehe...i think crying really relieves yourself of emotions that would otherwise be harmful to you...really good for self-esteem...or at least better than keeping them bottled up and sticking a cork in it...kinda breaks you down bit by bit if you don't let emotions out...oh oh....i hope i don't break down too...mental breakdowns are among the worst things a person can get...eee...my cat came here to comfort me...lemme hold him first...okay..now that that's done...i would really hate to be getting a mental breakdown..especially at this point in the year...nasty..don't want it don't want it...gonna be taking my braces off in..let's see...5 days..whohooo!!!finally i won't have to brush extra long!!!!anywayz..back to my ramblings...i think people who cry should be feeling lucky because they have the opportunity to articulate their emotions...they also get to see which of their friends stay true to them...laugh and the world laughs with you,cry and you cry alone...in most cases that particular saying is true...but it's kinda stupid...i don't cry yet i'm alone...what the heck is going on???something has obviously messed up the cosmic balance of all things...back to the point...i've always wanted someone to talk to about her so i could say everything i feel and everything i don't...but sadly no living person has the ability to tolerate that kind of depression...so i finally found someone...or something that would listen to me forever............------>my blog!!!LoL....i can say anything i want and express myself however i please...feels so good that there actually is something for everyone...anyway...i'll stop here...tomorrow's chemistry and i still have quite a lot to study...till then...!

Jin Han 4:34 PM

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

today was not a bad day for exam...i knew how to do some of my biology but the essay question and that mitosis thing made me feel less confident about it...on the other hand,english essay was a blast...i actually could feel what i was writing for the first time in my life...the title was "the worst journey i ever had".i wrote about how my adolescence was plagued by an abusive father...of course i wrote the piece before..but i really felt the fear and could see the fire in his eyes...really scary stuff...anywayz..went to tuition later and also got a quick revision from the tuition teacher regarding physics...man he's a really good teacher...anywayz..played a bit of NBA Live 2005 and now i'm here blogging before going to bathe and reading my moral..i forgot i have quite a lot to cover today..yikes..>.<...i wonder who suggested that questions based on the textbook be part of the syllabus..damn ministry of education..oh well...nothing i can do about that...might as well just go with the flow i guess...also came to the realization that how i feel about her is only a reverie...something that i can never get..LoL...sometimes it really is funny because it stays true to the saying that man wants what he cannot have...even i apply to it XD...anywayz...i really hope to get over her soon...can't be doting on someone when they are not doting on you...i did not fathom that i would be so silly anyway...still acting like i'm 13 years old...kekekeke...sometimes it is dangerous for me to be left alone to my thoughts...they tend to wander and *poof*...out comes another image of her..and another...and another...and another...then flashbacks of the dreaded day start replaying...followed by more flashbacks...and more flashbacks...i did not know my memory actually stretched that far...but that seems to be the only memories i have...everything else seems vague and blurry...so great...i have nothing else but bitter memories..that is not a very good sign i gather...but people can never tell that my mien does not express how i really feel...so i'm inarticulant...i admit that...i am unable to express myself clearly...hmm...amazing how 4 years of history seem to playback in my mind at least once a week...no wonder i can remember it...!!i think i've lost myself here...might take a while before i regain my composure but i'm trying to pick myself up...weird how suddenly my blog is filled with reminders of her...oops my bad...it's a way of ranting i guess...since there's no one around me who wants to hear about my problems i might as well type away seamlessly into the computer on my blog...though everyone can see it i don't really mind...well that is provided people read my blog in the first place LoL...but one thing is certain,she is DEFINITELY not gonna be reading my blog anytime soon...hehe...if she did,she would really be mad at me or something...but our ties are almost completely severed,so i am pretty confident that she will not be reading this...i make too many assumptions though,but what to do...i do not want to bother her and cause her some amount of frustration or anything...i guess she was right in saying that there was no more hope in us being friends cause let's face it..as long as we're friends,my feelings will not completely diminish...but not interacting with her at all for over a month is not making any difference either...go figure...funny how things like this keep turning up...i would really like to think that it is only a case of infatuation,but does infatuation really last 4 years?i guess i'm kinda immature by asking those kind of questions but how far do we draw the line between puppy love or otherwise?are we deemed mature enough for love only by the age of 21?what makes an adult anyway?according to my biology teacher a mature person retains his/her composure and calm even in tense situations..but no human being on earth could take everything into his/her stride..there will most probably be a limit to how much they can tolerate...so..my real point here is...what exactly is mature love?there are so many articles on what love is but the only thing we know is love is a word and it binds every human being together...besides that,that's it...so...what actually makes love love?how do we know we're in love when we don't know what love is?kinda contradictive because we are determining something without understanding it...confusing isn't it...?>

Jin Han 6:38 PM

Monday, May 09, 2005

didn't go to school again today..but i did wake up earlier...about 10.00am..so it wasn't bad..studied too..almost done with bab 2 of rangka ^^...then can proceed with form 4...actually i finished that liao but have to revise..better safe than sorry...anywayz...i really felt down today...suddenly the thought of her starts growing again and again...whenever i feel less preoccupied with my thoughts the image of her just rears its ugly head in my mind...i feel so much like bashing myself until i completely forget who she is and her part in my life...obviously i wasn't aware of how she's affected my life so much...i feel less content with myself and i'm really starting to feel my inferiority complex coming in...i used to think that she was almost perfect...that there was absolutely no flaws in her...i never bothered to think about her shortcomings...whether she had any is beyond me,but i guess i'll never find out...oh bloody hell i do miss talking to her...but i put myself on a restraining order and kept myself from interacting with her from then on...almost every day it kills me that i can no longer talk to her...guess you really don't know what you've got until you've lost it...and for me...i really lost it...even though i just lost one thing,i feel i lost everything...and nothing else seems to matter...the events that have transpired are indeed affecting me in a very significant manner...sighz...most of the time i think about the one mistake that i did to lead me to this position...i guess it really was kinda stupid...just when things were going so well then suddenly *poof*...all the hope is gone...it's like the story of Elijah and how he made his way to the desert under a broom tree,alone and disappointed...i guess that's how i feel now..alone and disappointed...maybe i'm not disappointed in God or anything...but probably upset with myself...i really messed up..and nothing i can do or say is gonna make up for it...funny...i would have thought that by now i would know how to deal with things and all,but turns out i'm still a beginner...oh how i am fortune's fool!

Jin Han 4:13 PM

Sunday, May 08, 2005

well...things didn't exactly go as planned...i was supposed to wake up at 8 sth and start studying..but ended up waking up at 11 sth...i hate it when i oversleep...sighzz...anywayz i did quite a bit of studying today...finished 1st chapter of biology and almost finished 2nd chapter...now working on the third cos it's so damn long!!anywayz...i could concentrate a bit on it so things actually went in!thank the lord!!had a really big dinner today cos iz mother's day and all...nothing much to report...but i'm determined to finish bab 3 today no matter what...until 1 o clock also i don't care...but i'm pondering whether to skip school tomorrow to study again...not sure if i'll be able to wake up on time too...eek...still can't get that thought of her outta my head...it's screaming and bashing it's way to stay in my cerebral cortex...sighz...i'm learning about the brain too..LoL...how ironic...anywayz..that's all there is to say now...until then...this is Jin Han,saying goodbye XD

Jin Han 10:59 PM

Saturday, May 07, 2005

i went to see my dog today...he was in the vet for about a week...had a really bad ulcer under his tongue and he was really dehydrated...i kinda felt a bit sad cos he was sick and all...like i always do when something bad befalls anyone or anything...he was really groggy then..what was stupid about the vets was that they didn't call and ask us whether we wanted it on painkillers or anything...so MEAN!!dog had to suffer for that...lousy vets...anyway the dog seems te be recovering but a bit of his tongue is missing...O.o...i really didn't wanna know that or anything...but we're gonna give him a couple more days or so and monitor his progress...hez been around for about 8-9 years already so i guess it's normal...but somehow i feel empty cos hez a part of our family...then i picture me cat about 4-5 years from now...old and feeble...sighz...i dun want my cat to dieeeeee...=(...really nasty sometimes...sighz...i also went to university bookshop to buy a book on romeo and juliet with literal translations and all..absolutely incredible...i'll be able to master romeo and juliet soon enough!A1 for literature in english here i come!!didn't do a lot of studying today...now studying chemistry and hoping to finish at least a few chapters..then tomorrow time for biology..i just hope what i read for sejarah won't seep out whilst i keep absorbing chem and bio...usually just when i start to believe that i can actually focus and concentrate wholely on a subject,an image of her just pops up in my head and everything crumbles..i am unable to concentrate for the rest of the day...oh gosh i hope i don't get reminded of her tomorrow...tomorrowz a really important day cos really have to study tomorrow with no excuses...oh please please please...surprising how the human mind can destroy itself so effectively...haven't talked to anybody about it cos well..nobody's around..sighzz.kinda stupid cos i'm making such a big fuss about something small i guess but to me it's a very big thing no matter what other ppl say...i've seriously never been this down ever...kinda weird cos keep trying to be happy and cheerful when i don't really feel it...bah..o well...shit happens.deal with it ^^

Jin Han 9:16 PM

Friday, May 06, 2005

a remote control never felt so good... Posted by Hello

Jin Han 11:27 PM

today was not a very bad day at first...i woke up at 9.30am and started studying and studying and studying...also watched cabin fever on cinemax in between...there are so many things to read about in the form 4 syllabus of sejarah...>.<..nasty stuff...anywayz...i'm starting on form 5 nowzz...went to tuition and paid my fees(which i probably haven't been doing for the last month..oops hehe) and headed straight for the gym after that...i actually managed to do chin-ups without any support and using my own body weight!!!to me THAT really is an achievement...my form was not bad today and i got another compliment from one of the gym employees...apparently i'm shaping up ^^...anywayz when i got home i had something to eat so i did not eat dinner...my mum came up carrying a tray of bottles and her two drinks...they fell soonafter and everything was a mess...she started swearing and screaming...scared the hell outta me...i took the tray downstairs and brought up another cup of orange juice for her...but she was still in such a bad mood,slamming stuff and whacking the cupboard and all...i'm still pretty shaken up cos she never screamed so loudly before...almost gave my a heart attack...i put the glass on the floor (hope she doesn't topple it over) and went to my room,where i am now...honestly i never saw such an aggressive side of her...gee..at least i know i'm never gonna wanna get on her nerves again...

Jin Han 9:39 PM

what you looking at? Posted by Hello

Jin Han 2:54 AM

a really good-looking close up of me cat...kawai des!! Posted by Hello

Jin Han 2:54 AM

Kitty doing a superman move XD Posted by Hello

Jin Han 2:53 AM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

what i'm reading now Posted by Hello

Jin Han 9:57 PM

the bane of my existence Posted by Hello

Jin Han 9:55 PM

had a fight with my dad about a week ago...something about the air conditioner...he came into the room and asked me about the air conditioner and asked me if i was using it or something...i knew what he was implying..he always does that but that time i really was in no mood for his attitude..so i firmly told him (indicating a bit of hostility to it) that i was gonna turn it off now and i did...then he stared at me and told me off...said why i have to exasperate so much or something...i fired back at him and he yelled at me...he said "if you talk like that to me one more time i'm gonna kick the shit out of you"...when he went into his room (and slammed the door) i just murmured.."Like you could anyway.." That time i was really really really angry and almost wanted to kick him in the nuts or something..during dinner i wanted to take the soup bowl and pour the hot soup all over him...since then we aren't on talking terms...i'm not gonna apologise because he shouldn't have given me that attitude and he knew i didn't like it....i'm very sure he's expecting one from me but i just don't want to....yeah it might seem mighty immoral of me...tak mengamalkan nilai hormat dan taat kepada anggota keluarga...but i just don't care...seems kinda different now that he's stopped bothering me and all...now whenever my sister calls he just takes the phone and takes it outta my room and talks in the corridor...somehow i keep thinking that he'll disown me or something cos i was so hostile...i'm even worried that next year i'll hafta fend for myself to put me through college and stuff...real worried about that cos i never had such a HUGE fight with him before...sighz...don't know what to think anymore...

Jin Han 9:31 PM

while i was studying something just dawned on me...i'm actually relatively confused...right now!sometimes when i'm in the middle of doing something,a thought just pops into my head and it just makes me feel worse about myself because it's almost always a bad thing...the worst of it is i find focusing back onto the work i was doing earlier seems impossible...suddenly my mood just changes....just like that...i find it frustrating and really irritating,but it still happens..almost all the time...man this really blows...right now i'm just looking for something to hold onto,to grasp with my own two hands and never let go even if my fingers grow numb...since late March till now i've been feeling like a piece of crap...i guess i keep blaming myself for past misdeeds and i know that forgiveness is an indulgence i cannot attain...go figure...

Jin Han 12:47 AM

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

today was a complete waste of time...school was a complete waste of time...everything seemed to feel wrong and the debate...ohhh don't even get me started on the bm debate....it was a complete disaster and i ended up filling the judges' heads with statistics...i wonder if my "devilish" charm managed to mesmerise them into submission...XD...well...maybe not...anyway..almost fell asleep in add maths tuition....AGAIN....luckily my tuition teacher noticed and sent me off to wash my face...His voice is like a lullaby...it puts people to sleep time and time again...but when it comes to exercises though...i'm wide awake!LoL...went to gym again but performance wasn't as good as i imagined...benchpressing 90++ pounds was supposed to be easy for me but i ended up struggling >.<...sighzz...at least my chin-ups fared better and i improved quite a lot in my form...it was then that i started to wonder..how would i look like in 6 months' time?it's uncanny really,because i really don't know...only my trainer does...XD...Nothing special to report today,but blogging seems to take my mind off the drudgery that plagues my life constantly - studies and homework...LoL...Anywayz,that's all there is to report..^^

Jin Han 10:41 PM

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Today was quite a normal day for me - wake up,brush my teeth,go to school,waste lots of time until 1.45pm,go to tuition,have loads of fun learning,go straight to lit. class,finish up my exam and come back home.Phew...Long day indeed,but I'm used to it now.Apparently i perform better at the gym on a long day rather than when I'm fully rested...Something strange i guess...And I'm getting stretch marks too.They look really ugly but my trainer says it's just muscle growing faster than skin.My physics/chemistry teacher said that I'm getting more well built...At least SOMEONE NOTICES!!!!Anyway,I actually went through the day without feeling very sorry for myself so YAY team!BM debate is tomorrow too..EEEK!!!I obviously haven't finished my speech yet...Rats..I'm so so so so DEAD!!!Anyway,I didn't think much of a certain person because I was so busy,and I actually felt much better.At least coming to the realization that I was screwed up really made me want to change...In the Process of doing so anywayzz...Still miss her though...But it's normal i guess...And I really have to be realistic here,so I'm gonna prove that I'm better!So much better than that!!!XD ..........................End Transmission...........................

Jin Han 8:42 PM

Monday, May 02, 2005

..............Captain's Log, Stardate 200505012038............. i got my haircut today...now i'm almost bald but that's a pretty good thing because i won't get caught by those silly prefects and the discipline teachers...also went to gym...felt great though i came home aching and moaning in great pain...missed two sessions last week and i'm still kicking myself over it XD..i just wasted a month of progress...sighzzz...but no biggie...i can get back on track in a jiffy.I'm still trying to figure out how to make a blog template...i'm almost completely illiterate at reading html coding and i don't have that funny program that's used to make it easier...SOMEONE PASS IT TO MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!Oh and I did some studying too...still have a bit left for physics... ................End Transmission.................

Jin Han 8:38 PM

Sunday, May 01, 2005

forgot to say that i donated blood on the 29th of April 2005! It was quite an experience if i do say so myself,cos i was pretty scared at first...with those needles and all...*shudder*plus everyone kept scaring me about it...actually i was dragged out against my will cos everyone was like "Jin Han!Jin Han!Jin Han!".Of course I did not want to be branded a chicken so i went along with it...Esther accompanied me to donate some life too but she was unable to do so...something about her blood pressure XD...honestly i don't know how doctors can actually tell what you've been doing just by blood pressure alone...anywayz,when i got there there were quite a load of people...friends like Lim Yong,Yi Kinn,Sean Der,David etc...apparently most of them were dragged out of class by the teacher as well but decided "Hey,sounds like fun, let's go along with it.."I guess I followed suit as well...XD After we forged the signatures on our consent forms(please don't tell anyone XD) and filled out the necessary details,we went into the Dewan Kuliah to line up...rather long line if i do say so myself...and strangely most of the people there who wanted to donate were really thin,underweight and unable to donate blood despite their overwhelmingly powerful intention to do so.Then my mind wandered and I thought, "Hey! Where are all the fat people????" Kinda ironic to see the thinner ones wanting to donate blood while the fatter ones less adamant to give away precious life.Either that or most of the "healthier" ones are younger...(stupid 17 years of age and above rule)... The doctor took my blood pressure and asked me how long i slept the night before, which i aptly declared 6 and a half hours...apparently she was "psychic" and asked me "You're over 55 kilos right?" Of course i said yes, but i thought,"wow...does she think i'm fat or something??"Anyway i grinned and went on to the next nurse.She took some really cool stamp-like contraption and pricked my finger..it stung a bit but no biggie...she applied some pressure and drops of blood oozed out.She took a "penitis" and dropped some onto a plastic sheet and applied some weird looking solution.Then she clearified with me that my blood type was B.(I knew that much much earlier anyway). Next i went to registration and got my big box of stuff,with a booklet,a few plastic bags,a needle and so on...it was really scary..i was thinking, "How many bags are they gonna fill???" of course i didn't say anything so i lay on a bed and the nurse inserted a needle into my arm...she took it out and inserted another needle and connected it to the bag,asking me to keep holding some plastic tube and moving it around so i could get the blood pumping...strangely i didn't feel any pain or any tingling sensations whatsoever...it was perfectly fine and i actually felt happy....after the bag was full the nurse let me hold it...it was warm...ohhh it was WAARRRMMM....!!sadly i didn't get to take a picture...should've really brought my camera...oh well...next blood drive then XD...that's like...90 days from that day or something...?

Jin Han 11:47 PM

my official badge of proof that i donated blood on friday(29th April)

Jin Han 11:45 PM

me in the form of a painting XD

Jin Han 11:14 PM

Whohooo!!My first blog!!!Yay!!! -_- kinda lame i know..but never made a blog before..so...this is a first... anywayz...studying biology now..planning to finish by tonight...still got 2 more chapters of form 5...yayzzZ!!!

Jin Han 8:50 PM

dislikes

Being apart from my sayang. Seeing animals get tortured. Seeing people get hurt. Losing what's important to me. Sluggish internet connections. Bittergourds and zombies.

Links

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archives

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