Sunday, June 26, 2005

Congratulations Jin Han, you are... 5x Mom of chanlilian.net You have a maternal instinct secretly hidden deep inside you. To many people you are this well-meaning, protective mother always readily sacrificing yourself helping others. Unfortunately this sometimes can be seen as nagging or being over-protective. Then you become confused because the person you're trying to help suddenly turned on you. But you are diplomatic and you have the patience to slowly but surely patch up any animosity that may exist between you and your detractors. The best thing about you is that no matter how bad the whole world treats you, you are forgiving and never attempt to hold any grudge inside you. For that, you are golden. Which Malaysian Blogger Are You?

Jin Han 6:18 PM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

i got to chat a bit with Esther today...i was reluctant at first i have to admit because i really felt like she left me alone...but she did not feel too good about it either so i guess i have to respect her reasons for changing places...we talked a bit about God...how he's changing me and how he is influencing me in my life...i had another thought again...i see Christian raised people everywhere and quite a lot of them seem to have taken God for granted...whenever they are met with adversity they pray for Him to grant their every wish but when what He presents is not what they wanted,they start to feel that God has deserted them or something...it really confuses me because being a convert,i've never had the benefit of a Christian's lifestyle so i'm pretty slow at these things...after noticing how they feel like that,it just makes me feel disappointed...not in God but in the people who worship Him...we should be praying to Him so that we will be able to worship him more,to follow Him without fail and turn our backs from sin and temptation...we shouldn't be praying for good grades or to lose some weight or grow taller...if we were true Christians we should be praying for God's will to be done on us...everything,whether a pass or fail,a death or a birth,is up to Him...as such we should pray that He would let us welcome him into our hearts...i guess what i'm trying to say is...why do people take things for granted so much?we take Him for granted,we take the environment for granted,we take ourselves for granted as well...quote of the day... "I know that everything God does will endure forever;nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it.God does it so that men will revere Him." Ecclesiastes 3:14

Jin Han 11:54 PM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

today was seriously tiring...i think i must have woken 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night...darn it...anyway,school was pretty prosaic...as usual...one of my erstwhile friends showed me a side which made me dislike him even more...he was asked a question today by the teacher but was at a loss in trying to give an explanation so i tried to help him out a little by lending him my notes...he put them aside and tried to explain again on his own but to no avail...that really pissed me off big time...i asked the person sitting next to him regarding his reasons for pushing my help aside...was it because he had no time to look at it...?or was it because he did not want to...?the ego of it all...how big can a person's head be...?seriously...overindulgence in pride is too much for him...i spent the rest of the afternoon in class wondering if he was always like that but i didn't know it...i know he was not the person he is now a year ago...i should have encouraged him more to transfer to another class..he clearly does not belong in mine...i don't even bother talking to him anymore...i guess i am done lying to myself and him...i stopped belying my opinions from him weeks ago and now all that's left is just an awkwardness that sometimes is pretty obvous at times...still...i have very few friends in my class...or at least REAL friends...tomorrow i plan to go to Christian Fellowship but not with Esther...i really didn't enjoy it when she moved to the other side because she couldn't take the teasing...kind of makes me feel really lonely because there aren't alot of people to talk to...say for Nico i'm virtually alone...just makes my blood boil that people can actually be so insensitive...or maybe i'm just being selfish but it's so difficult to even cope with a period of no communication with anyone...when i think about it more i get harried and really angry...frustration burgeons within my mind and i just wish i could yell at the whole world...i wish i could yell at him...i wish i could yell at Esther...i wish i could yell at HeR...i wish i could yell at everybody...it's certainly better than keeping it bottled up until i just die because of an overflow of rage and fury...tomorrow's cf better be good or i'll just drop off into the dark abyss that is depression...the world really sucks sometimes and being thankful for what i have is really not as easy as i thought...i keep saying it to myself but i don't really believe it...oh please let me believe that i am really thankful of the things i have....

Jin Han 11:40 PM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

my sister's going to be coming back to Malaysia in 2-3 days' time...i should feel ecstatic and overly enthusiastic about it but somehow i am not...i guess i've gotten used to being alone so much that having my sister around would be...well...different...i'm sure it would be nice to have some conversation in the house more often...talking to people keeps my sanity in check and prevents breakdowns...what really is silly is that i have been going 2-3 months of no communication like her and it feels like decades and decades...every time i want to just type something into the message window her last few words before shutting me out popped into my head..."i don't want to chat with you.." that sentence reverberates through my skull time and time again,reminding me to respect her wishes...i know if i could grant her every wish i would but at this point everything is out of my hands...i know it is not what she wants but i pray for her every day for her happiness,for her to really reach a degree of love and appreciation for herself...in all the years i've known her she has never said anything good about herself to me at all...makes me feel really sad that she is sad and it really disappoints me that she thinks so lowly of herself...but then you'd be wondering,what would be the point of thinking about her and feeling so much for her when she doesn't know it?anything,even everything i do for her will be useless if she has no knowledge of it...but i just do it anyway...not because i want to,not because i have to,but because i genuinely feel it...but think about it...would you rather have an empty void within your heart compared to a heart full of devotion and heartbreak(sadly)?i know i would pick the latter...wouldn't you...?

Jin Han 11:34 PM

Monday, June 20, 2005

this is what started my thoughts on the following post...

Jin Han 9:26 PM

well...finally got spirit:stallion of the cimarron original soundtrack and the songs are summarised in one word - AMAZING! it's a great mix of contemporary rock and ballads...it suits my taste very well...anyways...listening to those songs brought me back to a time when i actually felt happy on the inside...no i'm not talking about normal happy where i laugh at jokes...i mean happy as in feeling good about myself...nowadays that doesn't happen...i don't feel happy with myself...sometimes i feel as though i'm a bit of a failure..or maybe a lot like a failure...when i look back at what i've done for the library,it seems that i have not been doing anything at all...i feel like i've failed the library,failed the librarian board,failed my friends,failed her,failed myself...sometimes it just makes me want to jump off a cliff or maybe just drop into a bottomless pit and cry all i want...but we all know the latter is impossible...in fact so is the former...darn...alfred quoted in batman begins "why do we fall down?so we can learn to pick ourselves up again."or something like that..i only watched the movie once so i may not have got the words right...anyway...i think that really means a lot(excluding the fact that it came from a movie)...i have fallen down...and it seems picking myself up has become a more arduous task than i expected...i know i'm not really alone in this matter..there are people all around the world who have fallen down,some even worse than me...or maybe a lot more worse than me...i'm just being selfish...which is not a good thing when it comes to moral values and what society deems correct or wrong...i wonder when i'm actually going to be fully aware of my surroundings...noticing every little detail,every habit every possible type of person...that would be a startling revelation indeed...maybe not that kind of awareness...but the ability to see through people,to be able to notice that they have problems which are actually far more serious than mine...and try to help them...i'd like to strip myself of my selfish attitude and adopt a better one...maybe only then can i learn to pick myself up again and rise to the pinnacle of glory and self contentment in life...maybe i don't have to be hopelessly smitten over a girl or getting reciprocated with love from her...when you look at it from a certain point of view...that really is meaningless compared to what really is important in life...you know...?

Jin Han 8:45 PM

Friday, June 17, 2005

"the proper office of a friend is to side with you if you are in the wrong.Anyone would side with you if you are in the right." Mark Twain quoted that so i heard...you don't really get those kind of friends anymore..you just don't...the kind of friends you find nowadays are a lot like this... you are alone...no one is around you and you feel bored and lonely...you yearn for some company or at least someone to come up and talk to you instead of you doing it first...but no one comes to you...they leave you alone and talk and chuckle with other people...they obviously notice your lone figure but ignore it...in the end you finally get an insight on how good a friend they actually are...that's what happened to me today...everyone around me had left,if not for activities then something else...i was hoping that someone would come to talk to me instead of me going to talk to them(they would think that i was desperate or something..)..no one came...people i thought who were some really good friends really did not seem to be friends after all...i really found out that the friends i had were not really friends...they notice you alone but they don't bother to find out why...they see your expressionless face but they dismiss it....what kind of a friend is that...?it really got me thinking again...since all the friends i thought i had were like this,who are my friends..?do i even have any?for the first time,i really felt alone...there was NO ONE in that room that was actually playing their role as my friend...now the question is...should i treat them as a friend...?should i be there for them when they couldn't or wouldn't be there for me?i guess in my world there is no such thing as a true friend...if there was,i have not chanced upon such a person...more depression...i hate being alone..and i hate these "friends"...the day they would be there for me is the day they jumped off a cliff onto a pile of rocks forming a pit of death....

Jin Han 8:39 PM

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

it gets a bit disparaging sometimes you know...to be attracted to someone who has erased your existence almost completely with only faint memories,mere shadows of what was once a reality...i mean you do get used to it most of the time but you are entitled to at least one moment of despair every month or something...i hate not being able to talk to her...i hate not being able to be a part of her life,whether as a friend or not...i hate myself for doing what i did as well...it's like a shame that can never be redeemed or something...to most it's probably nothing,a petty action,but to me it's different...it's too humiliating to say and almost unbearable to admit...maybe that's why i choose not to talk to people about it...so that they won't judge me for doing that...it's difficult living like you have no one but yourself to count on...wow..i wonder how people do it when they go overseas...of course my sister didn't have that problem because she went with her friend...anyway back to the point...i usually wish that i could go back in time so that what happened might have been prevented...but after reading the poem "the road not taken" i guess i understand that time waits for no one and that one is constantly met with a barrage of choices...most of which cannot be rectified at all...only to keep walking without looking back...i guess my problem is i keep looking back into the past...most probably unable to let go of that person whom i hold dear...i wonder when i'm actually going to look back at this and laugh my head off for being so stupid..sighz...i feel so depressed right now...i guess it's because of everything...listening to more of the phantom of the opera...man it is magnificent...really emotional...lots of romance there...talk about unrequited love...i might actually understand the phantom's feelings after all...lol...strange as it may seem i would have preferred Christine went with the phantom rather than Raoul....it'd be more romantic that way...sighz...again we touch that subject...oh geez....i really have to stop thinking about all this...

Jin Han 11:26 PM

Monday, June 13, 2005

today i had a rather inspiring conversation with one of my friends...apparently it has come to my attention that most people today are rather narrow-minded at times...they refuse to acknowledge anything else but what they believe in...even if they should be more supportive they do the opposite...it's kind of sad seeing these kinds of people because they remain unyielding when they should just submit or at least compromise a bit for someone else's sake...shouldn't it be time that one thought of other people than oneself?there are enough selfish people in this world already and it doesn't need anymore of them...sadly that population keeps going higher and higher...are people going to the path of self destruction?are they unaware that are becoming more and more derogatory as the years pass? anyway,i got the phantom of the opera original motion picture soundtrack and it was WORTH it!!wow...i'm still awed byu the melodies and lyrics of Sir. Andrew Lloyd Webber...he is indeed a genius...the lyrics were beautifully written and the voices were flawless...Emmy Rossum has potential indeed...after listening to the songs i really felt the story...felt the sadness,the misery and the happiness...it really got me thinking about her...don't really know why but it just happened...my feelings for her haven't really changed but i'm not in a hurry to actually fall for anyone...don't know why i keep clinging onto her though...i mean i know that there is no hope...no reconciliation...no second stab...but i just keep holding on...also read an article on love by an acquaintance...seems to be an advent nowadays...but what it said is quite true...at least for me anyway...anyway for those reading you should download the song "The Music Of The Night" from the Phantom of The Opera OST/Gerard Butler...

Jin Han 11:32 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

took this quite a while ago...hez so cute...!!btw he was sleeping on my papers so i couldn't do my work..again... Posted by Hello

Jin Han 11:17 PM

what i just watched...my gosh the music score is absolutely FANTASTIC!!!i'm definitely getting the original sound track frmo the music store!!! Posted by Hello

Jin Han 11:12 PM

well...school's almost here...in about a day or two at best...sighz...it's a shame really...getting to wake up later than usual and not needing to worry about homework was a luxury indeed...anyway...i have to finish my homework by tomorrow or my goose is cooked...and i also have to study somemore on my history...5 more months to exam and i'm already panicking...oh geez... i'm getting much better now...i'm thinking of her less...at least not in the way i used to...i mean last time i used to think...oh shit...now that i'm without her i have no inspiration....no more goals..no one to impress anymore...now...well...everything's turning out fine...i still do like her...but it's no longer a primary concern...she has her own life,i have my own...we were never made for each other...maybe never made to be friends even...i suppose it's pretty pointless to think about these things as it's pretty much out of my hands...there are a lot of things i want in life but most of the time i fail to grasp what's most important - what i have now...turns out i have a lot of things other people don't...i might not be aware of it but strangely it just popped up in my head...i was never really thankful of what i had...i guess i never really thanked God for giving me all this...in fact,i don't really know how i should feel...does anyone know how thankful feels?i certainly don't...when it comes down to it,can human beings be completely content with what they have?because i've never seen someone who never wanted to change as they are too comfortable with their surroundings...oh..hey...that might be me too...i subconsciously refuse to change my affections and my feelings...in that sense i am discontent with what i have...can we overcome human nature?did God create us with this constant feeling of malcontent for ourselves and others..?if so what is His purpose...?how does this help us?of course you could say that man has to be driven to succeed and push themselves over their limits..that's how technology came about i gather....yet it also leads to an overbearing feeling of depression,sadness,despair...seems everything's a double-edged sword....

Jin Han 12:37 AM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

haven't blogged in a while...just didn't have any ideas on what to blog about...talking about what you did during the day seems so mundane,so boring...i suppose one's perception of what a blog should be is different for everyone...for me my blog is something that provides insight towards ideas,ambitions,dreams,feelings etc...not those boring tasks which i completed throughout the day... anyway,i was torn between two groups today...i knew i was going out tomorrow but what i did not expect was for my friend to say "you must come..i don't care but you must come...".i was planning to go to times square with my english tuition friends...was looking forward to it too..but then that came up so i'm pretty much torn between two worlds...but that's the thing with me...i belong to a few different groups of people....so it's kind of difficult to balance between which one to pay attention to...especially if i'm given these kind of choices...just makes my head spin because if i don't go with this group i'll feel guilty but if i go with the other group i might not be having a really good time...so when exactly do we draw the line?an american band said to us that we should not compromise with other people...of course that was about religion...but still...would it apply to anything else...?when is it that we should be unyielding and make other people compromise with our wants rather than submitting to theirs?sometimes i think giving people these sort of choices and making them feel bad about it is just nasty...honestly,how can you do this to someone?make them go out with you and make them feel guilty if they don't...sighz...i really wonder sometimes...who are my friends exactly?what role do they really play in fulfilling their roles as friends?do i have any at all?there are A LOT of time when i really do feel alone...like there is no one to talk to or something...even if there were people to talk to they would not want to listen to my ramblings...so sometimes when i see people with their really good friends i envy them because they seem to really be friends with each other and being there for one another...something that most of my friends don't do....

Jin Han 11:54 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005

it's quite alarming to me how people today don't know the basics of road safety...when mom and i were driving to klcc this car just came out of a line,without a signal and really suddenly...basically mom braked so hard everything flew forward...obviously that driver hadn't been using his sideview mirrors lately because that was seriously uncalled for...luckily we didn't hit him or he'd probably be coming out scolding us because we "made the mistake".on our way back a motorcycle on another lane cut into ours without warning...once again the braked were slammed and the bags came flying out of the seats onto the floor...again that driver probably didn't use his mirrors..neither did he use his brains...it's just scary how people can be so ignorant of their surroundings and just turn and speed whenever they like...they don't realise that what they are doing can actually cause an accident,even causing their own demise...in my opinion people need to be more aware of what they do...or at least be re-educated in well..let's see...HOW TO DRIVE?it never really bothered me before but since i've witnessed it firsthand...wow...i'm suddenly enlightened on this subject...of course it also implies that people today no longer care about one another...the phrase "better you than me" often pops into my mind...kind of silly though...then again that's why i'm not that enthusiastic on driving...i mean hey,you get tons of freedom and convenience once you can drive...but what happens when you get into an accident?or someone under the possession of road rage?or an aggressive driver?the possibilities are endless...everyone seems so excited about driving but do they know the negative aspects of that prerogative?when people pass their driving test do they apply what they learned in real life or shove it aside and dismiss it as rubbish?do they take the exam without bothering that those rules could actually save their lives?huh...now that i think about it...i don't know...scepticism seems obvious...

Jin Han 11:38 PM

Saturday, June 04, 2005

i read an article on love just now..about how we dismiss lament and pain as concepts of love itself...in the article it says.. "Lament is the ancient practice of recognizing the brokenness of the soul and then mustering the courage to embrace it before God. Lament is an act of love - recognizing that in order to truly love, one must be truly honest. Denial is simply a way of hiding.Love does not hide,not even those parts of us that are ugly and sick,not even the words that are hard to say - and even harder to hear." after reading it i thought..no wonder i don't truly love...i haven't been totaly honest with the one i love...i may not even be honest with God himself...well..i should think that it is time i do something about that...time to open up to Him and reveal everything so that nothing is shrouded...i guess no matter how horrible or dark a secret you have,evidently you WILL have to reveal it if you plan on loving someone...it applies not only to our relationship with God,but with spouses,families even friends...i should think that the effects might be positive and negative at the same time...we get a whole load off our shoulders,but we are at the mercy of the ones we pour ourselves onto...more often than not we do not lament as we are ashamed and embarassed of what we have done,what we have become etc...it's not an uncommon sight too...i'm sure that among the 6 billion people inhabiting this planet,not one has no secrets...well..maybe excluding babies...what secrets can they possibly hide from us?often times the things we keep from someone is usually more harmful towards your relationship with them,therefore the secrecy...if we were to admit to our wrongdoings,would they understand?we all know that God is ever loving and understanding...but what if it was a human being?what if we kept a secret so dark that it would jeopardise our whole relationship with him/her?will they accept us for who we are?or will they be leaving us on the next bus to "away from you land"?that's why we keep things from people right?that's why some things are better off not known?

Jin Han 6:06 PM

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

somehow today i came to a strange conclusion...i may need to actually address my issues straight on and come to an equilibrium before i can actually move onto something else...maybe my falling out with her is a sign from God that i'm not yet ready for this kind of thing...i might need to take care of past doubts or issues that still haunt me to this day in order to progress further in life...i know it sounds a little crazy and sensational but rationalising it like this seems easier than thinking that i am a piece of scum that doesn't deserve to live...i guess time really does help one reach a state of enlightenment,if you would actually call that realisation an enlightenment...i may have to get my priorities straight here...know what i have to do and stick to my goals and wants rather than doing things half-heartedly without any state of mind...routing around through my mind seems a better use of my time rather than just sitting around contemplating of how painful a past event has become and what harm is has inflicted on my psyche...i don't need all that...everywhere around me i see loads of couples and such...sometimes i feel really happy for them because they can actually achieve such states of elation and their predilection for one another is actually quite reassuring...but my friend,who is also single,also feels the sadness of unrequited love...reciprocation is a difficult thing to achieve for people like us...given my present physical and mental condition i could be classified as a total mess...i'm working on my body nowadays but my mind...well...i'm just pursuing scholastic excellence at my own pace...maybe i have my priorities a bit wrong here...should it be the mind before the body or the body before the mind?both are equally engaging and lucrative in consequences...oh rats..there's just no time to do both...but then that's the problem everyone faces nowadays right?we have too little time to do the things we want...24 hours in a day is not enough...7 days a week is not even close to the bare minimum...4 weeks a month is just nonsensical...12 months a year is even worse...100 years on average for a human is just outrageous...of course overpopulation might be avoided but still...to excel we only can specialise ourselves in a certain field...perfection as we know it seems impossible because of this lack of time...gee...it's just silly thinking about this but still...it never hurts to ponder a little despite thinking a bit too forwardly...

Jin Han 10:00 PM

dislikes

Being apart from my sayang. Seeing animals get tortured. Seeing people get hurt. Losing what's important to me. Sluggish internet connections. Bittergourds and zombies.

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