A Labyrinth of Thoughts,None of them Significant

2009-04-14T16:17:00.001+08:00

5 Rounds for time:

21 Sumo Deadlift High Pulls @ 25kg
21 Push Ups

7:45

J.T.

2009-03-30T18:10:00.000+08:00

For time:
21-15-9
Handstand Pushups
Ring Dips
Pushups

11:40
Need to work on HSPU form. Ring dips were done strict with full range. So were push ups.

Dinner: (5 blocks)
4 oz. Chicken Breast
6 cups lettuce
1 peach
1 oz cereal
1 cup milk
6 almonds
1 tsp olive oil

2007-07-22T16:38:00.000+08:00

Have been in Melbourne readying myself for the university experience these 2 weeks and I honestly have to say, going through it alone is fundamentally different from whizzing through the orientations and such with someone else. Not knowing anyone in the university itself only compounds the whole 'I feel like the lone ranger' feeling. While one would simply say 'Just make some new friends' or 'Go do something so you won't feel like that', anyone who knows me well would know better than to tell me that. The first few weeks of orientation is always tough but usually people have someone to turn to when they get back home. Some have their parents, others their partners, but somehow or rather I fall in either none of these 2 categories or somewhere in between. I have my parents, but that's pretty much a bust because of the cynicism that plague all adults. My partner is always available to talk to but somehow or rather there's that physical presence that you pine for constantly. I'm a selfish person, I do admit that, and I tend to want everything. Realistically speaking I should just suck it up and push forward, and that is what everyone tells me to do, but since this IS my blog, I can do whatever I want with it and whine as much as I want. Now that that's out of the way, I've just about finished whining heh:P

2007-06-19T23:16:00.000+08:00

Trudging through these weary days with a smile on my face for people to see is so frustrating. They can never know what I truly feel, they would not care even if they knew, so what would be the point in expressing it? I can only be myself with her, and I truly cherish those days. Whoever said putting on a front so that others can feel better about themselves was easy has to have his/her head examined, then cleaved into several pieces and tossed into a toilet bowl for good measure. When I try counting the days I find I am unable to without hating the world for being so unfair. I suppose one could argue that life is fair in that I have someone special to share my life with but the greedy bastard in me just wants more...

Bitching about it certainly isn't going to mollify the situation, nor is thinking about it going to make living with the hard truth any easier, but one cannot help but dwell on these things. I just want her...I want her so much...

2007-04-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

Patience. Everyone wants it, not many have it. I always thought I possessed such a trait, but recent circumstances have led me to believe otherwise. A rather unwarranted revelation it seems, but necessary...

I can't wait to see her again.
I can't wait to have her in my arms and tell her that I love her.
I can't wait for my Cambridge A-Levels course to end.
I can't wait for these hours of frustration to end.
I can't wait to recover fully.
I can't wait for dinner to start.

The list could go on and on but I guess I'll just stop there. The bottom line is, I have no patience. Fact of the matter is, life revolves around waiting. So if one can't wait? how can one live through life? Then again I could say I have some measure of it, because the only person I would wait for would be her alone.

2007-04-09T13:48:00.000+08:00

Hello hello! After a very long hiatus I'm back!! ...For a brief moment anyway hehe :)

Now that trial exams are over and I await the nascent 2 week 'study break', I've just realised how pointless it is when you're forced to rot at home instead of doing the things you want to do. Suddenly life is not without a sense of irony and you find yourself wondering why some things just don't work out the way you want them to. Then again to look at these days with a sullen face would be a gross transgression since there are worst things in the world. As the days draw nearer and nearer to that date, I can't help but feel a sense of dread, coupled with the preposterous hope that I would manifest time and reality altering powers in the near future heh. Inevitably we are all slaves to time, subject to its every whim and fancy and all efforts to resist would be but a moot attempt. One cannot help but feel a bit helpless sometimes...

2006-12-03T14:04:00.000+08:00

Paid another visit to my great grandmother today in this geriatric recovery ward or something like that. I have never seen so many elderly people in my life. Okay, maybe I have, but I have never seen so many helpless elderly people in my life. Watching them being strapped to their wheelchairs so they don't fall off, their eyes fixated on the television so languidly whilst their food is being prepared just depresses me. There was no animation in the room, all of them merely hollow shells of what they once were. Listless, dispirited, debilitated. The sight of them eating was even more morose. Some had to be spoon-fed because they couldn't use their hands; some had to spit out the chicken slices which were too large to chew; some had to bob their heads up and down just to swallow their food. Granted, most of them were over 90 years old but it kind of gives you a reality check. In 60-70 years, that is what I'll probably look like that. That is how helpless I can possibly be when I'm 9 decades old. I don't want to lose my teeth. I don't want to have deteriorating motor functions. I don't want to be so feeble that I need help taking a shower and dressing up. I don't want to have to pee through a tube. Ironic that we are born helpless and we die just the same.

Now I understand why some people are so afraid of growing older. Heh.

2006-12-01T19:05:00.000+08:00

pictures for my darling in full resolution.:)

2006-11-17T09:14:00.000+08:00

Allow me this opportunity to shout,scream and rejoice because it is time for celebration indeed. As Level examinations are over!Whoohooo!!! *shouts,screams and rejoices*

Now that that's done with, what am I doing these days? Off to some offshore island partying with my classmates with cocktails in hand and stoning around to the melodious harmonics of guitar strings? Living it up in shopping malls, going for movie marathons that seem to last forever? Nah, not really. What I am doing right now is sitting around in the college library typing this entry out of sheer boredom. Of course, I do have my reasons for showing my face in college, though some of them might sound cheesy and to some extent, stereotypical, but what the hell. I fully intend to maximise my time with a certain someone before projects and final examinations start to bog her down so much lifting a finger would seem impossible. And seeing as I'm such a handful she deserves some peace and quiet . I can only summarise these past few weeks as both gruelling yet enjoyable at the same time, for obvious reasons and if I'm repeating myself, too badlah :P.

What's next on the agenda for the weekend? I was hoping to start going rock-climbing but somehow I feel too lazy to pick up the phone and call Camp 5 for lessons heh. Apparently the prospect of exhausting myself and jelly-fying my arms (if there is such a word in the English dictionary) isn't incentive enough to go all hardcore over it. I will be rock climbing that's for sure; It's just a matter of when that'll happen heh.

2006-11-15T10:54:00.000+08:00

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

Man this quote from V really cracks me up. One day I shall invent my own introduction replete with convoluted terms that seem incomprehensible to average joes. This one day will of course probably be after tomorrow because As examinations for me end tomorrow. Hallelujah! Yet at the same time I don't want it to end.heh...

2006-11-11T17:41:00.000+08:00

Ever get this inexplicable urge to want to share something with someone? Lately I've been compelled to share every single detail of my day with someone and no one else regardless of how picayune the matter is. Needless to say she has become someone I've grown very attached to these past few weeks and truthfully, that makes me kind of worried yet anxious (the excited kind) at the same time. A day without talking seems...insignificant so to speak and it pains me to come to the realisation that in a few short weeks, it will be quite difficult to see her again, and that makes me sad...

2006-11-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

Gahh, something feels so wrong these days. I don't know what I'm thinking about anymore. Zip, zap, zip zap...

Ludicrousness aside, next week is crunch time. Hope it begins as soon as it ends. Geez I feel so 'luan' now, and I don't think examinations have anything to do with it. Bah.

2006-10-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

It would be nice to feel numb for a few days. Feels like every day is getting a little more difficult to live through nowadays. Oh well, probably me being selfish again...

2006-10-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

'Zoning out' seems to be a quotidian lifestyle for me these days. Rather than traipsing through the woven tapestries that are my economics and chemistry notes, my mind transgresses the boundaries between reality and reverie. Flung into a world where every desire is fulfilled, every wish is granted. In this world, life is nothing short of euphoric. Yet in the innumerable scenarios conjured up by thought processes, there is only one constant - her. Countless possibilities are fabricated to suit different situations. For example, descending a flight of stairs, we unexpectedly run into each other, exchange greetings and delve into a conversation that picques our interests so much so that we find ourselves hastening to our next class, at the same time wondering if we will chance upon each other again. Yes, daydreaming of such occassions does pass the time indeed.

At some point I am resuscitated from this daze and dragged back down to the real world, where opportunities are rare commodities, life is hard and unjust, and the mere thought of getting what you want is but a fleeting moment of weakness. In the real world, we would see each other, exchange greetings and tread off in opposite directions. There was no time for conversations, no time for small talk, or any manner of talk for that matter. That feeling of jubilance when you see the person you like, even if it is for only a moment? That doesn't happen to me. Contrarily, it only nourishes my despondence. The fact that we see so little of each other constantly leads me to ponder why I am so intrigued by her in the first place.

Sigh...more confusion...

2006-10-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

Blink. Blink blink blink. Blink blink blink blink blink.

That was what the modem was doing for the past few days. Blinking incessantly in 20 minute intervals for two days. Rather than cooncentrating on more constructrive endeavours (Economics, Chemistry, Physics, Television...), I could not resist the urge to scrutinise the machine with great interest. There's just nothing like watching your modem getting an unstable signal for a few minutes then reverting back to its usual state, and getting that unstable signal again a few seconds later (insert profanities here). Yessiree, interesting indeed.

Blink. Blink blink blink. Blink blink blink blink blink.

2006-10-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

I know i shouldn't but I keep thinking about her. Unheard of? Yes. Absurd? Definitely. Ridiculous? Probably. But do I care about all that? Can't answer that at the moment. The brain says yes but the heart is adamant, defiant even.

2006-10-12T17:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it just sucks when you find yourself unable to forget the past. No matter how hard you try there would always be something to remind you of events long past - a similar gait, a familiar hairstyle, an analogous fashion sense... It takes just a little more than 5 seconds for it to trigger a reaction in your brain, jump-starting buried memories so fast you'd wonder how it is possible that we only use less than 10% of our brains. From the very first time you see her in something other than a school uniform to the moment your heart shattered into billions of pieces, it runs through your head over and over again until you realise, 'what the f*** am I doing??'. Slapping your forehead a couple of times, you proceed to get back to work, but yet again you are inundated by the urge to retrospect. You then sink into your seat and reflect on everything that lead to this point, after which the word 'pathetic' seems to appear on your forehead in blindingly bright neon, because that's what you are... Pathetic.

2006-10-09T16:53:00.000+08:00

infatuation is like morphine: relieves pain in small doses,but kills when used in excess.

more on that later.

2006-10-06T21:09:00.000+08:00

I hardly know you. I have not seen the real you. I have not even had a real conversation with you, yet I can't stop thinking about you. What is wrong with this picture?

the body erects the foundations of attraction; the mind simply reinforces it.

2006-10-04T16:39:00.000+08:00

It is a wonder how life surprises you. The minute you close one door, a gale blows another door off its hinges before you can even blink. A spur of the moment, spontaneous, unexpected attraction. That's all I can say. Simply... uncalled for.

Currently listening to:
1. Breaking Benjamin - Phobia
2. Keane - Hopes and Fears

2006-09-23T20:21:00.000+08:00

I am a hypocrite. Yes, that is the truth. I do judge people even though I try not to. I do say mean things. I am a bad person. But I will not abjure that side of me because of ~~guilt~~ others. If you know me, you WILL see every side of me. You WILL see how nasty I can be. And you most definitely WILL see that I am not as congenial as you might think.

Knowing this, most people would surely cut off all relations to me, which was why I kept up this charade. I am sick. I am sick and tired of being pleasantly amused when I don't want to be. If I disagree with you, I will. If I think there is something wrong with you, I will tell you. How you choose to respond to such bluntness is entirely your choice.

Recently I pissed a friend off so much so that a smile turned into a frown instantly. I judged her. I hurt her feelings. I basically exasperated her in that one moment. Not a day went by that I was not thinking about it, but evidently, I was being myself. I question things I do not understand and it takes time for me to understand. It is through this process of comprehension that I understand a person better. The sarcasm that comes with the comments are normal for me and anyone who has talked to me would know that. Why should I be expected to accept something that is foreign to me right off the bat? Give me time, and it will sink in.

2006-09-02T19:37:00.000+08:00

What type of Fae are you?

2006-09-01T15:28:00.000+08:00

I.crave.MUSIC.

2006-06-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

10 reasons why I hate you

1. I hate you because your smile is just too infectious to me.

2. I hate you because your voice sounds so good it just turns me to jello.

3. I hate you because you're so good to me most of the time.

4. I hate you because I put so much trust in you.

5. I hate you because every fault you have only makes you all the more flawless.

6. I hate you because you made me see the world differently than before I met you.

7. I hate you because you because every time i think of you it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

8. I hate you because I can't get enough of you every time we talk.

9. I hate you because thinking about you keeps me up at night.

10. Most of all I hate you because I love you so much it hurts sometimes, for I know that when we eventually part ways, I would feel an emptiness inside that would always remain. I hate you...

2006-06-21T19:26:00.000+08:00

Went to watch a play called Mobile yesterday night. You really do not want to know the details. It was pretty grisly. It struck a chord in me today that we as human beings have this instinct to want more than is provided, be it in the form of money, love or happiness. I was in Kinokuniya a few hours ago staring at a couple of books that I wanted really badly. I already had enough books to last me a while but simple desire made it difficult to refrain from the temptation. These two pieces of writing were not inexpensive; both hardcovers, both covered with beautiful symbols and printed with gold and silver patterns. At 300 bucks a book I didn't know whether to just dismiss the thought of buying it altogether or jumping at the opportunity to own these classic masterpieces. Believe me, having something which you have wanted for the longest time appear right in front of your eyes really does a number on you when making a choice whether to take it or leave it. Your head starts spinning searching for a solution, trying to differentiate the need from the want, hoping that in the end you would have made the right decision. Whichever option would eventually cause some form of lament in yourself: if you got it, you might regret sacrificing something for it; if you didn't, you might be kicking yourself for not taking the opportunity. Well, that was how I felt a couple of hours ago anyway. I didn't get those books.

I guess the same concept applies to just about everything in life, or at least anything that involves taking a chance. Business propositions, matters of the heart, product purchases... Yeah, just about everything. Was surfing a forum an hour ago and I chanced upon a topic about what people want for their birthdays. A few people mentioned that they would be perfectly happy if their crushes wished them a happy birthday. I think that is complete bull. If that were to happen, you would just want more after all was said and done. You get a wish this year, you would want a hug; you get a hug the next year, you would crave for a peck on the cheek and so forth. People are never truly satisfied with themselves. Pretty people will want to be prettier, intelligent people will want more knowledge, opulent families will want more money in their pockets... You get the picture. Don't you wish that you could just turn this off? I certainly do.

2006-06-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

I have found the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn(from the Lord of the Rings) to be exceptionally poignant. Aragorn fell in love with Arwen in 2951 (he was 20 years old; she was about 2700) but she did not share his feelings until they met again in Lórien many years later. It was pretty strange that Elrond, Arwen's father, disapproved of their love vehemently because Elrond himself is a product of the marriage between an elf and a human. Anyway, what made their relationship pretty emotional was that Arwen was willing to put everything on the line for her bethrothed even in the face of death. She gave up her immortal life in pursuit of a union with Aragorn, stood by him when hope seemed lost, and risked her life in the hope that they would survive the War of the Ring. Despite Elrond's wishes for her to sail to the Undying Lands where there was no grief or war, Arwen was still adamant on leaving her husband-to-be, even after Elrond told her that there was nothing for her on middle earth,only death as he saw in his prognostication. Her spirit could not be broken as Aragorn's could not. Aragorn on the other hand, devoted himself to becoming the King of Men, for it was only then that he could wed Arwen. The possibility of a love with Eowyn did not pry him from his fidelity to Arwen, only proving that his love was unbreakable. It was their love that motivated him to do great deeds, thus becoming a noble leader in the hearts of all. Of course, they eventually got what they wanted and had 3 children together. Their tale is one replete of hope and the strength of love. It may be a complete work of fiction but hey, it's something we all dream about sometimes isn't it?

Ae ú-esteliach nad, estelio han, estelio ammen

if you trust nothing else,trust this, trust us.

P.S. Arwen and Aragorn are distant relatives. Aragorn's ancestor, Elros, is Arwen's uncle and Arwen is Aragorn's cousin 63 times removed. Heh, doesn't that just put a damper on your opinion of them? Oh yeah, J.R.R. Tolkien just had to add in that little detail of incest to ruin a perfectly sweet tale between two lovers. Sheesh...

2006-04-11T14:34:00.000+08:00

These two days have been nothing but a virtual eatfest.On Sunday night, grandfather decided to treat everyone to dinner to welcome back his brother from Brisbane, Australia. We went to his favourite restaurant in town - Restoran Pik Wah. One of my parents said it was going to be quite formal so I put on something smart. Who knew that I got conned so easily...heh... They even had a karaoke stage!

For all your singing needs

Anyway,this is my Uncle Ian and Aunt Ai Ling:

And this is my cousin Nicholas and I:

L:R- Aunt Fui Ning, Uncle Ian and Aunt Ai Ling

Yi poh and grandmother

Grandfather's elder brother and grandfather

The first dish was, like all quintessential chinese dinners, a four seasons dish with prawns, vegetables, crab legs and some other stuff I can't really remember hehe.

Second was...You guessed it. Shark's fin soup.

Next was a steamed fish with soy sauce. It was a river fish and dad told mom and I that those fish breeders are rumoured to have fed river fishes with animal body parts or something, so we didn't eat much. (We didn't tell anyone else either hehe)

The aftermath

The roasted pork skin came shortly thereafter and boy was everyone ecstastic! How could anyone be seeing an oily slab or roasted skin and not feel a tingle of enthusiasm?

I swear when the waiters came in with this I couldn't tell what it was supposed to be. An oversized bun perhaps?

Apparently not

Finally dessert was here! I thought we would have some fancy pancy dish with ridiculously vibrant decorations and all...

wow...'vibrant' indeed

All in all, dinner was great! Lots of good food and good company.

Right, now for the good stuff. We went to Cilantros for dinner today. It's a mediterranean restaurant that serves sinfully delicious (and expensive) food. Here;s a card:

Since we were early, we decided to hang out at the lounge downstairs. The ambience was soothing but dark, only illuminated by several lamps placed on top of the sides of the area.

mum and dad

me

When uncle Ian and gang arrived we ordered and whilst we were waiting we chatted. A LOT. So anyway, the food came and voila!

seafood angelhair pasta

all manner of meats, seafood and unhealthy treats

I don't exactly know what this is...I think it's some sort of fish...

Lamb steak, medium rare

Lamb ribs, yum!

The night went by really quickly but in the end I just spent my time eavesdropping on the adults' conversation about golf, politics etc. It was a good meal (and expensive too!).

2006-04-08T17:35:00.000+08:00

Another 2 days and i'm going out of the country for the next 2 weeks. I was really excited to go, really I was. Yeah, WAS. All that came crashing down when my lecturers slaughtered us one by one.

Chemistry: we have to study all the chapters we have learnt so far and sit for an exam the week we come back from our 'holiday'. On top of that 10 questions are to be uploaded on the bb6 website and we have to complete them.
Mathematics: More homework, homework and...whaddya know? homework.
Physics: Again, we have to revise everything we did and finish up more questions during the holidays.
Economics: Surprise surprise! More studying...

Oh yeah, I have a crapload of things to do for the SAT examination. Yeah, it is in a month's time. I can hardly articulate my deepest feelings of 'joy'. I see my cat sleeping ever so peacefully on my bed with nothing to worry about. No exams, no expectations, no obligations. In a way I envy it. I envy it a lot. Maybe it has other matters to be concerned about. Maybe it worries about that cream colored siamese tabby that gives birth to litters of kittens like clockwork. Or that grey striped tomcat that terrorizes him from time to time. Or whether its masters would one day leave him alone and favour the puppy next door instead. Yeah, maybe it does worry a lot.

2006-03-08T17:33:00.000+08:00

Judgement day looms just over the horizon. The nightmares that had gone into remission in December awakened from their slumber, once again wreaking havoc on my subconscious mind. Dreams of getting horrible results for my SPM examination become increasingly intense with each day becoming more horrifying than the next. I've never seen myself so low on self esteem before and now waking up feels like it is one of the hardest things to do.

Probably one of the most important people in my life is lost to me and I no longer recognise her for who she is anymore. Whether she has changed or whether she was simply showing a different side of herself I no longer know, for in this new world nothing is as it seems. Aye, it might just be my narrow-mindedness. Aye, it might be my failure to comprehend how the world truly works. Aye, it might be my adamance to let the world around me change. I am now only a blip on her radar, the insignifican't piece of a puzzle that just wouln't fit into the picture, I lie supine at the nadir of the cliff, battered, bloody and broken.

Every time I see her I sense a change, her essence twisted and contorted into something completely different from who she once was. Why does this happen? I curse at her peers for turning her, yet she revels in their company, content being with people who would not give her a second look if she did not look the way she did. A childhood fantasy becoming a reality perhaps? I would like to believe that indeed. I insouciantly go about my business but my efforts are in vain. I cannot help but think of her during the most inopportune times. How I wish I could mollify these feelings, to learn not to care, to be an automaton - emotionless and dead.

But in all this confusion, college life has given me a means of tuning out these discrepancies within myself. Through homework, quizzes and spending time with my friends it is then that the silver lining becomes apparent. They help me forget the myriad of disappointments that come my way, and once again I can hear myself laugh without me crying inside. I would like to see this as a step forward for me, a guiding light, yes, a guiding light towards the eventual illumination of a miserable soul.

2006-02-25T15:27:00.000+08:00

If you feel like your heart has broken, you're not alone. Just about everyone experiences the type of grief we call heartbreak at one time or another - and some people seem to have their hearts broken many times throughout their lives. Sometimes it feels like all those songs about broken hearts were written just for you and your situation!

Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people experience the pain of a romantic relationship that ends before they're ready. Others love someone who doesn't feel the same way. Or maybe a person feels heartbreak when a close friend moves out of their life. Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same - whether it's the loss of something real or the loss of something you only hoped for. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness.

Kristin, 17, went through these feelings when she and her boyfriend decided to end their relationship before they headed off to separate colleges. They both realized that a long-distance relationship probably wouldn't work out for them and they knew deep down that if their relationship was meant to be they would get together again after they graduated. But it was still hard to go through the sadness that came with ending their 2 1/2-year relationship.

Although poets have written about the pain of heartbreak for thousands of years, when it's happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same. If you're recovering from a broken heart, there are things you can do to lessen the pain. Here are some tips that might help:

* Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust - someone who recognizes what they're going through - helps them feel better. That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend or family member. Others find they heal better if they hang out and do the things they normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, to take their minds off the hurt. Sometimes people who mean well but don't understand the depths of your hurt may try to cheer you up with statements like "you'll get over it" or "you'll meet someone else." These people are probably trying to help in the only way they know. But if you feel like someone can't relate to what you're going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to.
* Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don't let the rest of your body get broken, too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.
* Remember what's good about you. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what's happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can't think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to help you remember what's good about you.
* Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about what happened - working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process - it just means you should focus on other things, too.
* Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks they won't feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing - and the heartbreak almost always heals after a while. But how long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbroken feeling, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Mending a broken heart can take a couple of days to many weeks - and sometimes even months.

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt themselves or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. The person isn't really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep - or lasts so long - that a person may need some extra support to deal with a broken heart. For someone who is not starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful.

So be patient with yourself, and let the healing begin.

-Taken from Nemours Foundation.
it's for future reference..

2006-02-21T23:27:00.000+08:00

I just received my Iskin Evo3 for my Ipod today! Took the supplier long enough.. Been waiting for a month for this and thank goodness it was all worth it. Once I slipped the silicon skin on, it was pure beauty.

Right, to condense everything, here's a list of it's pros and cons.

Pros
- It looks sexy as hell.
- It protects every part of the Ipod.
- It's really user-friendly.
- It even covers the Click Wheel.
- It's sexy as hell.

Cons
- It's a LINT MAGNET!!
- It makes the Ipod a little thicker than normal.
- It's not transparent.
- It's a LINT MAGNET!

2006-02-17T21:54:00.000+08:00

Highlights of the week:
Went out for lunch with Shae Nee on Thursday morning(11am). We meandered aimlessly around the area behind the Taylor's American Degree Programme Building, looking for a good place to eat. Passed a few shops and restaurants that were not particularly enticing (mostly price-wise) but finally settled for a couple of buns at a dim sum stall. Apparently we were both not very hungry but had to eat something anyway. She had a lotus bun(i think) and I had a big bun(dai bau), which by the way was delicious. Forgot to bring my digital camera so did not get to take any pictures of it but there is always another time right? After that we went to a food stall and bought some fruits(duh). That day was officially the first time I ever had fruits after lunch. Amazing. I like spending time with her hehe.

Right, now for the sad stuff.

I got 22/25 for my economics quiz on Price Elasticity of Demand,Income Elasticity of Demand and Cross Elasticity of Demand! Sigh, am really disappointed because I think I could done so much better. Then again maybe I should have studied more too because let's face it, 45 minutes of studying isn't exactly called studying hard. Oh well, looks like I'm going to have to study extra hard next time, which would probably be next week because we are finishing up on Supply.

My trainer also told me that I will lose a lot of muscle if I don't eat more. So I guess I'll have to make myself eat a little more protein or I'll be fat. Since I don't have any time to get something to eat on Fridays because the bus leaves at 2 and my class ends at 1.55, I decided to invest in some rather pricey goods.

Don't worry, they're not protein shakes or supplements. They're actually expensive, tasty snacks that happen to give you more carbohydrates and protein than normal meals. At rm9 a bar, I'll definitely go broke by the end of the month. The price I pay for fitness. They come in chocolate flavours(which I love!) so actually it's perfect for me. Oh yeah, I found out that my weight gloves are getting rather smelly. Lifting all those weights and all the sweat... No wonderlah. Crap, have to spend more money on getting another pair of gloves...

Oh, since both my mom and I are getting paranoid about getting robbed, kidnapped or worse, we decided to do some shopping at the local hardware store. Look what I got!

Yeah, that's right. I got pepper spray! Villains beware! I now have a defensive tool capable of blinding you for 45 minutes! Now I just have to figure out how to use it...

2006-02-14T17:46:00.000+08:00

Today is valentine's day.Yes you know it, the day when love blooms from the purchases of all manner of gifts such as plushy soft toys, bouquets of roses and cartons of chocolates. Everywhere you went you would see at least ten people walking around with ridiculously large paper bags filled with oodles of flowers and whatnot. What happened to those good old fashioned personalised valentine cards? What about home baked cookies? Muffins even? Nah, not a lot of those lingering around the area, just lots of store bought stuff. Me? I just made a rather plain looking card using cardboard, pens, pencils and an eraser. Unimpressive when judged by modern standards but I figured, "Hey, since it came from my own hands it would mean more than any amount of roses right?" Don't really know how that turned out but I am hoping that it fulfilled its purposel. Not a very memorable day though since I did not get to spend more than 10 minutes with her today. What can you do when you have class in 20 minutes and enough lessons to bog down your day? Bloody cambridge a levels administration. Probably one of the few girls who can make me light up in an instant is right in front of me and I don't have time to stay with her? Geez, the world certainly is not kind indeed. A thank you and a 5 second hug later I darted off back down to campus for class.

Economics was pretty boring, and so was Malaysian Studies, and Chemistry... Oh what am I saying?!? Chemistry was fun! Wasn't very focused though. My mind was somewhere else, you probably should be able to figure out where. Had a burger from Mcdonald's and went on my way back to college for more learning fun. Yay for that. Sigh, what a day. Oh, did I mention for the past week I have been on a ballad craze? They way I'm going by this time tomorrow my brain will officially be turned into mush. Can't help it I guess. How do you fall for someone in a month and think about them a LoT? Heh, it's just as well.

I heard that usually girls like the bad boys but take home the nice ones, how true this is I still cannot confirm. If that were the case then the good/sweet guys that are thoughtful and such would be miserable until they reach a certain age. Quite an effective way of downgrading their spirits I think. So if people call you sweet, beware. You might actually be single until you're an adult. Heh...

2006-02-11T16:54:00.000+08:00

Just came back from the 1 Utama Shopping Complex with a couple of cds and the intention to get myself reading novels again. Upon returning home I turned on the computer and popped the cd into the cd drive, hoping that I did not waste my money on something that I hated. Of the two cds I bought, this stood out the most.

A perfect blend of instrumental, trance and orchestral music moulded into a single album, Enigma creates a world that ignites your senses, bringing something different to the plate in every song. This was produced back in 2001 so it might actually be a rather rare commodity. I was fortunate enough to chance upon this masterful work of art at Movie Magic on the lower ground floor of 1U, so if you would like to get one then it might require some perseverence. I would definitely recommend this to anyone interested but note that this might not appeal to hardcore trance addicts and technoheads.

2006-02-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

You Are A Guilty Ex

You weren't the greatest to your ex, and you admit it.
And now your remorse is keeping you up at night...
While feeling a little remorse is good, your guilt is preventing you from moving on

What Type of Ex Are You?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Your Love Element Is Earth

In love, you have consistency and integrity.
For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered.

You attract others with your zest for life and experiences.
Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time.

Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life.
You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk.

You connect best with: Fire

Avoid: Wood

You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation

What Element Is Your Love?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Philosopher.

Where You Lived: Ireland.

How You Died: In Childbirth.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius

Your General Knowledge is Above Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You Are Italian Food

Comforting yet overwhelming.
People love you, but sometimes you're just too much.

What Kind of Food Are You?

2006-02-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

She is a goddess, the manifestation of illimitable beauty and perfection; he is but a man, less than a fraction of what she represents. He worships her as a servant would his lord, but she only sees him as just that - a servant. Deep within the unfeeling exterior that he had created lay a broken heart, torn between a desire to break free of his shackles and an obligation to her. A confluence of contradictory emotions. She is unaware. She does not realise his sadness, only seeing the imperturbable figure that is faithful to the end, a person she could count on in dire times. If she were to fall, he would be there to catch her, help her back up and walk back to his place by her side. Difficult as it was to keep his underlying feelings from surfacing, he continued to play his part. A fool he was. He adores her but she does not adore him. He wants her but she does not want him. She does not perceive his feelings for her even when she can see right through him. She is unable to sense his anguish, but she does not bother trying. What is he to do?

2006-02-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

So i went to the Hilton Hotel in Kuala Lumpur next to the Meridian yesterday night to celebrate my grandfather's birthday.I was very adamant on wearing a formal-ish shirt as I figured I would have plenty of opportunities to wear those for probably 40-50 years of my life, but ended up wearing one anyway because mom said it was a pretty opulent restaurant complete with vibrant colors and the like. Upon reaching the parking section of the hotel, a pair of security guards checked the boot of the car and under it with a mirror, though you can see the pointlessness of it all. If you wanted to bring a bomb into a hotel you might as well put it under your seat and none would be the wiser! I heard that when you are driving into Singapore customs will guide you to a ramp where they x-ray the entire car to check for explosives. Now that is impressive. We parked the car and rode up the elevator, headed up a few escalators and finally arrived at the restaurant. It was not as swank as I thought but hey, I was wearing jeans so it wasn't that bad. The ceiling was actually quite interesting as you can see.

the whole circle is actually formed by the zodiac signs eg. Taurus, Libra and so on.

They also had a mini zen garden right next to our room, for decorative purposes because I could hardly imagine a person sitting on top of that rock and humming to himself as he meditated.
>
seriously, a zen garden?

The room was almost entirely velvet, a lot like dracula's lair or something. Always remembered him as the kind who loved velvet curtains and crimson clothes. We seated ourselves around the gargantuan dinner table(which was circular) and started to order. Mom and dad were, like always, indecisive when it came to which foods to try so it took quite a while for the waiter to actually get the order processed. I got pretty bored so I snapped a few pictures.

The only light source in the room, which is also circular as you can see.

My tea glass, a stupefying work of art, mainly because the top and bottom of the glass was carved with symbols of dragons, my chinese zodiac sign hehe

That figure actually holds a tiny plate with peanuts inside. The last time we went it was a turtle.heh.

They gave us chopsticks that size to 'lou sang' as the center of the table was pretty damn far.

The first dish we were using before they changed it after the first dish. The second was far less extravagant.

The food was a little above average at best and the dishes were probably bite-sized because 13 people were sharing 8 dishes, thoroughly overpriced if you ask me. However, I did find the honey roasted chicken with ginger and deep fried prawn with salty eggs absolutely delectable, though I downed them in less than two minutes. Oh well, all good things must come to an end right? The noodles we had at the end of the meal were also gratifying. Not too moist and not too dry. Then came the birthday cake oh the birthday cake! It was a tiramisu topped with green tea powder, but was no bigger than the table napkins that were alotted to us. I forgot to take a picture of that so I couldn't compare. Oh well. The evening was well spent and I enjoyed the company. My cousin also seemed to have developed an accent due to her years in an international school and she has an ipod Nano too. (p.s. she is ~~a pubescent~~ 12 years old).

2006-02-02T19:37:00.000+08:00

Right, so chinese new year is practically over for me, so here are some pictures to illustrate the the eventfulness this year.

That porkish looking person on the left would be me in a really nice shirt whilst the one on the right is my aunt on my dad's side.

The canopy my parents set up due to the torrid weather Malaysia seems to be having nowadays.

The end product of my mother's hard work.

Next are the close-up shots of the food!

Ah,nothing beats chrysanthemum tea and Jolly Shandy.

The 'zhai char siew' that I love so much.

Mother's curry never tasted so good.

Hokkien noodles,completely pork fat free.

Porked mixed with vegetables and capsicums.Not exactly the crunchy kind.

These are by far my favourite - chicken deep fried in a light batter.

Clockwise from top:Ketupat rice, piquant vegetables with sour sauce,roast pork and freshly sliced cucumbers.

hoohoohoo look what we have here!Dad got a lion dance troupe to grace our house.

A shot of that silly man character in lion dances,filled with extra silliness.

There's the lion trying to grab a wad of cabbage.

Who knew that lions had five fingered tongues?

There were too many people to remember or even recognise so I'll just post the pictures.Of course not all of them are here. Yes I know, I do have a life.

Well, I could definitely say that this year's chinese new year was something else. For one thing keeping myself from overeating was nothing short of a challenge for me but I pulled it off. Props to me! Now I have to ponder how I'm going to go about losing the calories I gained from drinking 4-5 cans of Shandy and Coke Light. Geez...

2006-01-28T16:14:00.000+08:00

The festive season looms over me like an overbearing shadow, engulfing me in crimson silk ribbons and gilded letters. The house is lush with intricate decorations, each and every one a byproduct of my mother's assiduousness in making our home the very embodiment of perfection. Beautiful flowers are placed carefully in vases that are just as resplendent; incarnadine cloths adorn the walls, creating an atmosphere characteristic of grandeur. I meander along the walls, marvelling at the amount of effort put into the house's decor, also awed by my mother's greatness. She had single-handedly metamorphosed our humble two storeyed home into a mini palace worthy of any regal presence.

In the kitchen, my family is busy cooking and baking food for tomorrow. Grandmother chops the garlic with great skill whilst mother slices the pork into bite-sized pieces. Their faces show an extraordinary ardency that is unrivalled, their every movement bearing an immeasurable magnitude of sacrifice. They are exhausted, but still fueled by an inextinguishable will. I cannot help but ask if there is anything I could do to alleviate some of their burdens. They say no. I scurry next door, looking to do my part in the preparations, but there is none. Everything that had to be done had already been done and I now feel ashamed that I did not do more. After all, what is cleaning chairs and making chinese new year gifts compared to the labour of cooking and cleaning?

2006-01-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

ohh shiaatt...that is so damn true!!even if it's fake it's so accurate!

2006-01-25T00:02:00.000+08:00

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't.
Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time.

Your flirting style: Coy

Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park

Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant

What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

2006-01-22T17:33:00.000+08:00

My eyes opened up to the noisome rings of the alarm clock.I climbed off the bed and darted towards its wooden perch,shutting it off,then proceeding back to my salvation.Ah,the silky sheets of that worn,old comforter;the flocculent texture of my pillow.It was only about 10 minutes later that I realised,I had to get up.Glancing drowsily at my watch,"Half past 7,"I thought.Taking a few moments to register what just went through my optic nerves,I reluctantly threw myself off the bed and headed to the bathroom to freshen up.Today was in fact,my first day at driving school.And where all future drivers began,I too followed in their footsteps by venturing off into the Safety Driving School next to Armada Hotel for a seminar on "Kurikulum Pendidikan Pemandu".From what I heard from almost the entire world,the seminars held were always rife with prosaic speeches and harangue from unknown teachers from an unknown background.Unfortunately one was not allowed to skip this particular seminar for reasons unknown,probably a way to make more money off of helpless student drivers like me.I was dropped off at the driving school at around 8.45am and straightaway was ushered to a counter where I presented my application form and a copy of my identification card,not knowing what I was to be doing or why I was doing it.

The lady behind the counter swiped the form from my hands and urged me to put my thumb on some scanning contraption.I servilely obeyed and pressed my thumb against the transparent device that she was holding.After a minute she presented me with a blank piece of plastic that had the same gilded layering as the modern Malaysian identity card.Staring at her blankly,I walked off and was again invited into a classroom just a few steps down the corridor.The room was actually nothing more than a cabin made of thin asbestos walls,supported by a lone pillar in the middle of the room.An indescribable trepidation grew inside me as I ambled further down the room to get a seat that was reasonably far enough from the lecturer's table.A fair amount of foreigners attended the seminar,some hailing from countries such as Australia,Canada,the United States,India and the Phillipines.When everyone was settled the lecturer stepped in,cracking some pretty facetious jokes that were not at all amusing or particularly entertaining.He was garrulous to the bone,always talking and talking and talking.As the seminar wore on he started sharing his own life experiences with us,clearly trying his best to keep the seminar from becoming a nonsensical waste of time.It might have worked if I was ten but at that point he was 8 years too late.

5 agonising hours later the seminar finally came to an end.A dark man came into the room to take our attendance,calling each of our names one by one whilst we responded in kind.We were later allowed to leave the room and had to line up at the counter again.This time they asked us for our blank plastic cards and slotted it into the card reader,again urging us to put our thumbs on the scanner.Apparently that was one of their fool-proof methods of ensuring that we actually sat through the entire seminar.We then scheduled our exam dates and that was it.I could not have thought of a better way to waste my precious time on a Sunday,the end of the weekend.Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new week and more headaches are sure to come.Until then.

2006-01-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

-deleted-
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2006-01-20T15:43:00.000+08:00

You're Odysseus. You've had a trying time of life,
but you've got a true and faithful love waiting
for you back home -- if you could only get
there. It seems like life is throwing road
block after road block in your path to keep you
from your love. Sometimes it's hard to stay
optimistic, but you're clever and crafty enough
to get yourself out of hot water no matter how
many times the fates throw you in.

What Character from Literature Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2006-01-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

My Economics teacher mentioned that the book entitled Economics (3rd Edition) by Alain Anderton was a really worthwhile buy, and that it had colour pictures inside. Me being the stupid person I am went to get it, taking his word for it all the way. After all, he is our economics teacher. So I went searching here and there but every University Bookstore seemed to be out of stock. Finally my mom called MPH Mid Valley and they said that they had one last book for sale. I was ecstastic and couldn't wait to marvel at the really pretty cover and pretty pages that lay inside. After waiting and agonising 2 hours I got my wish and tore off the plastic wrapping in a frenzy, too eager to open the shrine that was hidden within a thin sheet of cardboard. On first looks the cover was pretty bland for a RM145 book, but I thought to myself, "Well, maybe there will be loads of colour pictures inside!" Shrugging off my doubts, I touched the smooth glossy cover and my fingers ran down the bottom portion of the cover.

With a flick of my wrist, the glossy cardboard-like cover flew open...

What the hell??!!? My economics teacher lied to me!!!

I also got a physics reference book by Hutchings for my own personal needs and it fared better than my experience with that horrible economics textbook.

I love glossy textbooks.

2006-01-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

Since I found out I did not have enough jeans to go around, I just had to pop over to Topman to grab some, mainly because that was the only shop that had a wider variety of sizes given my shortcomings in height. Basically they are the only retailers that have pants that actually fit - not too long and not too short. Of course this came at a really painful 150 ringgit price tag. Also got a new shirt for Chinese New Year, a rather colorful streak of pink, red and white with flowery patterns inside the collar and cuffs. Pretty cute if you ask me. Also went to Popular bookstore in Ikano and came back with 5 folders, a stack of a4 paper and a stack of narrow line full scap paper. Stationery shopping never felt this good, and never this heavy as well.

Will update later, not feeling up to blogging right now...

2006-01-10T03:36:00.000+08:00

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Crowley

I feel this quote is really appropriate for those who have been burned by the fires of love. After a One Tree Hill season 2 marathon in three days somehow it succeeded in captivating me. I was drawn in by the strong themes of betrayal and lies, of how we lie to others, of how we lie to ourselves. It's funny how fictional tales become most effective at drawing out the truths of human nature and how we define ourselves. I guess this might seem a little crazy considering I am writing this at 3.30am but I was completely taken aback by some of the actions of the characters in the said show. It is of course correct to say that it is just a television show, nothing more, but what are television shows based on? Probably ideas come up by the producers to rake in more ratings, and where do they get those ideas? You should get what I mean from there. What's more strange is the realisation that one cannot help but see how true some of the dilemmas faced by those characters seem so real compared to life outside the television.

We fall in love with people, we fall out of love moments later. In the end it is almost always infatuation that borders on obsession no matter how deep it goes. Even though we tell ourselves that the feelings we have never last and that we should just forget about it, we never listen. We display exasperating amounts of tenacity in keeping to our feelings and beliefs. For me, I don't want to change things. More to the point, I am afraid to change things. I am afraid to change what has faded a long time ago. I am afraid to lose what I never had in the first place. I feel a lot for someone and I really care about her, but evidently it is feckless, for affection is not enough for a love to grow from it. Love in vain indeed...

What is the true point of this entry you ask? Well, actually it's all a bunch of crap I devised to keep myself entertained, yeah that is one way of putting it. To me I would think of it as a confession rather than a hallucination. I have clearly been lying to myself and to others as well. I have this preconceived notion that I am fine, I am normal, I am happy. The very use of these terms only validate the insecurities within myself, for I am not fine, I am not normal, I am not happy. You never see beyond the smiles of a person's face; you never hear beyond the laughter of a person's voice; and you never feel beyond the boundaries of a person's heart. When you hear a loved one's laugh, are they really amused? When you see a person smile, are they really happy? You never know, do you? It is only by the appearance and body language of a person that makes us assume the feelings of others. What is even more saddening is that we can never tell which is which. How do I know she is happy? How do I know she feels neglected? How do I know she needs someone to be there for her? How do we know we are loved? How do we know someone needs help?

2006-01-09T21:29:00.000+08:00

Well it's my first day of college, Taylor's College, and I woke up feeling excited with adrenaline pumping through my veins. My heart palpitated with rhythms that would put drummers to shame. Brushing my teeth with haste and gargling faithfully with my mouth cleansing Oral-B, I put on my attire for the day and headed off to college. I was ecstastic to say the least because there was this huge opportunity to meet new people, gain new experiences, acquire more knowledge about the world than I could have ever dreamed of. Plus I was going to get my student id, yay!!

Anyway I arrived at around 8.15 and already there were tens of people squished into a narrow balcony, squirming around to find space to breathe. Making my way up the stairs to join the can of sardines, I thought to myself, "This was it. A chance to really branch out and become a different person". Checking the class roster for 2006/2007, I noticed that two people whom I know from CHS was in the same class as me. I was even more ecstastic because at least I would not be completely alone. I waited for 45 minutes before the doors to the hall opened and everyone went in in orderly fashion, or at least as orderly as a crowd could ever get. Two pieces of paper were shoved into my hands and I was ushered into the hall. I admired the beige painted walls of the hall and its lacquered wooden stage. What set it apart from our school hall was:

1. It is fully air-conditioned.
2. It has a really cool-looking balcony on the second level.
3. It has a second level.
4. There are chairs for the students to sit on.
5. The microphones actually work.
6. It has a projector.

The orientation began with 30 minute speeches from 5 different people, each as "inspiring" as the next. Sadly my enthusiasm for college quickly changed into a notion that orientation days are both prosaic and pretty pointless, but what the hell, I am getting my student id soon!! We went to our respective classes at 12 to meet up with our mentor(basically a classier way of saying form teacher. This is college after all.) and got a schedule for the semester. Oh and I also got my student if after that!! Check it out!

i know,they made an effort to make me look ugly XD

my class schedule.packed indeed!

We spent the rest of the orientation meeting the student council committee, but it was pretty boring, too insignificant to bring up. The rest of the day was spent watching One Tree Hill so well, that was it.

2006-01-02T19:04:00.000+08:00

Just got a Crumpler messenger bag from KLCC today. I am officially broke.

spacious, isn't it?

My badge of office LoL

I just saw my sister off yesterday. She didn't want to leave and I guess I didn't want it either. The house is pretty much empty once again. College starts in about 6 days after today and I think I'm taking a school bus home LoL. I've hounded my parents to put me on a school bus or some form of public transportation for years since I was 10 and finally they cave when I'm 17 going on 18!! The irony of it all hehe. Apparently my grandparents are getting older and travelling long distances will definitely be taxing, and my dad probably doesn't want his driver taking me wherever I want, so might as well go with it I guess. I also plan to take a public bus or something at least 20 times before I start driving, just to experience the crampness of public transportation in Malaysia. LRT, done. Monorail, done. KTM er... Gotta wait a while for that. One step at a time.

My new year's resolution:
1. Lose a few inches off my waist.
2. Lose a lot of inches off my thighs.
3. Gain more muscle and strength.
4. Improve my stamina drastically while sticking to a strict diet.
5. Study hard for A-levels and not be too focused on having fun.
6. Try my hardest not to go insane with self-inflicting pressure.
7. Hope that I won't feel disappointed with my SPM results (I feel I did horribly...)
8. Think of more new year's resolutions for 2007

2005-12-31T03:31:00.000+08:00

As I look back on my entire high school I guess I have not accomplished much. Friends came and went, people I once found to be close drifted away as the years went by. Every year it seemed new faces popped up whilst the old ones faded as I saw them less frequently. Yeah, I haven't accomplished much. When I think about it, I think it's probably me that has a problem keeping friends. Not much of a chance for a new start though, because Taylor's College is known for being the second Catholic High School after all, and all the jack and jenny asses I wanted to get away from might probably go there. Yeah, that kind of sucks, but who cares? Sister is leaving tomorrow night and I think it's too soon. Too freaking soon for anything for me to do with her. I hate growing up because it forces me to take on new challenges, gain new experiences, make new decisions. People I really treasure will only be seen once every few weeks, maybe even never. That really depresses me but hey, life was always this shitty, just that this time it's minus the uniform and hair restrictions. People will change, friends will be lost, new ones will be gained, I'll probably change too... God I wish I was back in form 4 or form 5... Ah, the nostalgic moments of my life... Will blog later at night. It's too early to think about anything too serious. Come on, it's 3.40am...

2005-12-28T23:59:00.000+08:00

Time flies so quickly nowadays. It seemed like just yesterday my sister just returned from Australia, but in fact she is already departing Malaysia for Melbourne on Sunday. She doesn't want to leave because it would mark another beginning towards living independently - cooking, cleaning and the like by oneself. For me? Well I just can't wait to go to Australia, no idea why. I guess I just haven't tasted life without my parents watching over me and doing my own things, to make my own choices and do what I want with my life. It scares me that I'm going to college in about two weeks and I'll have to learn to drive. Most people would probably see that as a good thing, but naturally I don't. Why? Because I am growing up so quickly. Soon I'll be on my way to another country to further my studies and I'll be alone. How scary could that be?

On another note, I still haven't thrown my old books away yet. Call it sentimental or anything but I just don't really feel like it because who knows, I might need them for future reference some day. Yeah, fat chance.

My sister has a ton of old Cambridge A-Level books which I have yet to catalogue. They are currently lying in 3 neat little stacks awaiting their new master to make use of them. And they said college life was going to be a walk in the park... Heh...

2005-12-19T18:41:00.000+08:00

My trip to China was quite eventful - lots of places to go, people to see. I had the opportunity to witness how vile the citizens of China are. There are smokers everywhere whether it is in the hotel, on the streets, in the shops or any other sanitary place you could find. There is enough saliva on the streets of Shanghai to fill a dam. The sound of gurgling followed by a spit becomes a banal melody heard all over the lands of China. People push and shove all the time, not saying a simple "excuse me" or "sorry" as they try to squeeze between the large crowds that litter the streets. Common courtesy, it seems, only shows itself in shops where you are the consumer and they are the distributors. I am disgusted. I am disgusted by the way they act, the behaviours they exhibit, the rudeness they express so vividly... Apart from the fact that I did not want to go to China very much did not make things any easier. Everyone went to China because they wanted something from there, be it shopping for clothes, shoes or cheap pirated products, but not me. I did not want anything from China and every time my parents asked me something which I did not know in Mandarin, I would feel like I have let them down. As they kept asking I felt worse and worse because every question came with an expectation to know the answer. And when I could not answer them, I was met with the insecure desire to jump into a dumpster and hide for the rest of the trip. Nothing seemed right and I was in extremely foul moods most of the time, lost in my own world of distress and frustration.

At this moment in time I am feeling a lot of rage within myself. I was asked by a good friend to attend a motivation course of sorts and I promised I could go with him. Unfortunately, my mother, as expected, showed her disapproval and was rather adamant on taking me there, which was Sunway Pyramid. She said that it was a waste of time. I respected her decision, but inside I knew that even if she was right, what was so different from staying at home and watching television? Would that not be a waste of time as well? What about sitting in front of the computer and playing trivial online games like Ragnarok Online or Gunbound? What about getting on the bed and sleeping the day away? What exactly did she consider a good use of time? I had to break my promise to my friend, which obviously made him very disappointed, thereby making me even more depressed than before. The phrase "waste of time" keeps ringing in my ears and I seem to getting more and more upset with myself as the day wears on. I feel really bad because I could not keep a promise, and I feel even worse because I have all this pent up rage for my family. I am the estranged one in the family, the only one who is different, the only one who is not in sync with the harmony that is a happy family. I fear the passing of years will only make this incompatibility all the more obvious...

2005-12-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

During the flight to Singapore we got bored so we took some pictures. Here's one of the left turbines of the plane:

pretty neat huh?

We also took some pictures of the view from above. When you're above 20,000 feet all you see is clouds and nothing else. Sadly we did not notice any Carebears in the clouds, much to our dismay.

everything seems so small..Like Simcity!

where are the Carebears???!!

Airline food that day pretty much sucked. The fishballs were tasteless, the fruits soaked in some sick looking substance and the kebabs were simple atrocious. No wonder my sister chose not to eat it. Damn.

airline food.Yuck.

Had dinner with my aunt and uncle at their house too. A little small but still cosy and perfect for a small family. Housing in Singapore can cost an arm and a leg as they said. Actually the whole purpose for that visit was to see the baby again! In just three or four days she grew a lot! Surprisingly the baby was very quiet. Most of the time she did not cry or wail, instead going back to sleep in about 3 seconds. 1-2-3 k.o. We got to ride in my uncle's car, an Audi A4 which I was dying to see. Then again in Singapore cars from Mercedes Benz, BMW, Mitsubishi and Porsche seem to be commonplace. Just the other day I saw a Mercedes Benz SL500!! Sadly I didn't have enough time to take a good picture of it.

my uncle's Audi A4

The afternoons and evenings were filled with shopping and eating, some at cafes while others back at the hotel - room service. We stayed at the Hilton hotel on Orchard Road so it was really convenient to find shopping centres and cafes lying around the street. We had tea at the Border's Cafe while waiting for our room(which was in a really big mess) to be cleaned up. My sister had a root beer whilst I tried their chocolate muffin, which did not feel like one at all! It was more of a piece of bread than a wholesome muffin.

that chocolate muffin, which tasted like bread

the root beer, which was caffeine free

2005-12-08T20:11:00.000+08:00

Hello all! Just returned from Singapore and guess what? The whole trip pretty much sucked. The beginning of the trip was pretty much normal in most respects. The typically long queues at the check-in counters, rude people who shove others to get ahead of the line and all that stuff. The flight was really short, about 30 minutes but my sister got spilled on by a rather careless air stewardess. She was pretty pissed about it and I could not blame her.

can you imagine how much mango juice was in that cup??

So yeah, she got pretty pissed and I was quite frustrated with the stewardess because we were taking pictures all around the plane and she kept getting in the way. So we did the next best thing...

in case you didn't know, that's that stupid air stewardess' butt

Anyway the whole point of our trip was to attend our baby cousin's full moon and we got to see her up close. She is just about the cutest baby in the world!!! We couldn't take any pictures of her because it was too dark to do so but we got a free picture of her that came with a farewell gift in appreciation of our presence there. LoL.

Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen? When she yawns her little tongue comes out and it makes her soooo CUTTEE!!

Anyway, after the full moon we went shopping for clothes and whatnot. Unfortunately, everything went sour after that night as I woke up with a really bad stomachache and the nagging desire to go to the toilet. This went on for about four days, basically the whole duration of the trip. Most of the time I was clutching my stomach hoping to God that I would not have to go then and there. I think I must have shit my brains out at some point because I could not think properly after that. Let's see...3 times a day for 4 days. That's 12 times and I usually go to the toilet 12 times in a month!! Talk about natural detoxification. My sister also suffered the same fate except she got worse because of something called gastroentiritis as well as diarrhoea. It was horrible. When I got out of the toilet she went in.

I did get most of what I wanted though, but really... That holiday was more of a nightmare than a respite from everything else. I am not going to Singapore for a very very VERY long time. I'll also be posting the rest of the pictures later in the week.

2005-12-01T18:17:00.000+08:00

Well it has been a pretty long hiatus for me. One day more of SPM and I am free for the rest of the year and will start college on the 9th of January 2006. Lots of things to do but so little time to do them. Let's see... I am heading for Singapore this Sunday to celebrate the full moon of my cousin Chloe (on my mother's side) and will be spending another 4 days shopping. Hopefully I will be able to get a 60gb Ipod there if it is not sold out or anything. Oh God i do hope the black version don't get sold out. Apparently the Malaysian branch of Apple, Macasia, overprices their products so much it's just shocking. A 60gb Ipod costs about RM1500 (converted from Singapore dollars) but here it costs RM2099!!!! I know 21% tax is imposed but seriously, even then it wouldn't go as high as RM2099.

I am also going to two proms this year, one organised by Sri Aman and the other by Catholic. As of yet I have not found an appropriate set of formal wear that would blow people away. Then again it wouldn't really matter because I am just going for fun. I never really understood the whole tradition of taking a girl to the prom. Most people have this impression that going alone to a prom or dance or party seems to imply that one is a loser or something like that. What's wrong with going alone? It's not like everyone is going to dance together or something right? Since I've never been to a prom before I guess I'll find out soon enough. However I do have my doubts about a prom being a memorable moment for people. I am expecting to feel that it will be a waste of time and not worth the money or the energy.

Next up on my agenda is a 6 day vacation to China, more specifically Shanghai on the 12th. There will be loads of shopping and probably a plethora of pictures. Hopefully my memory card can sustain the amount of images I am going to take LoL. Coincidentally quite a few people I know are going to China as well whilst the rest of them are heading off to Genting Highlands for the class trip.

When I come back I am going to watch King Kong! Seriously that movie has a lot of hype going for it, probably due to the fact that acclaimed director Peter Jackson is directing. Yeah you know who he is. He is none other than the mastermind behind the famed Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Hopefully he can pull it off again. I am really curious as to why there is a tyrannosaurus rex in the movie. Oh well, I can't wait for that either.

Anyway, will post some pictures in a day or two because I have a LOT of packing to do. So many books to sell/throw. I'll post the transformation when I'm done.

2005-10-20T23:27:00.000+08:00

Time after time I feel like I am getting more reclusive than before,choosing to keep to myself instead of reaching out to people.Some people think I am complex and difficult to read because of my adamance to open up.A lot of people have no idea what goes on in my head,which makes it all the more difficult to talk to them because of their limited knowledge of my life.Am I really becoming more introverted?I hardly talk to anyone on msn anymore and my social life?...What social life?Everywhere I see people moving on and pushing forward,getting stronger as they jump over life's hurdles effortlessly.If they can do it,why can't I?I feel really left behind and suddenly I become what you call a loser,dork,geek...Then again who has the prerogative to define someone as a geek/dork?

I made a rather stupid comment today.One of my friends was not moving on even though his crush already has a boyfriend and I said that was stupid and unrealistic.Naturally it seemed right at the time but when I thought about it I would be stupid and unrealistic as well.Who am I to criticise people when I clearly have the same or similar problems as them?Realistic people most likely will not or try not to be too infatuated by a person.If that were so,how iridescent would their lives be?I keep telling everyone that I'm fine,there's nothing wrong with me,but I don't feel fine.I don't feel happy.I feel discontent with what I have.I feel like I am losing a part of me as time goes by.Sure,keeping myself busy for the time being has helped to a certain extent but after I start to relax I am back to square one.I feel like such an idiot because I've become such a helpless fool.What is worse than that is my inability to articulate how I really feel.Man,I have issues...

2005-10-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

Is it rude to talk about someone to someone else when the person you are talking about is right in front of you?Do people not find that annoying,maybe even bordering on infuriating?I have no idea why but I do find this very frustrating.I mean,why should you talk about me when I am right in front of you?If you ARE going to amuse yourself by discussing topics concerning myself could you not be more discreet about it?Maybe you were being frank or something but the least you could have done was to keep your voices a few decibels lower because I could hear you loud and clear.Yeah,maybe you were not insulting me or anything but a comment IS a comment after all.If you meant it as a joke or something sure,I could have taken it well.Hell,I might even laugh with you but you were dead serious when you were dicussing it...

I admit that I am rather sensitive about what people perceive of me but really,why do I feel like the bad guy?You talk about me right under my nose albeit loudly enough for me to hear and you say that I am defensive because all I said was "Why would I bother that I am less prone to opening up?"?Why should I entertain you by letting you get off telling me what I am and am not?There is something to call that...hmm...what is it...Oh yes,COMMON COURTESY!!Yes,that would be the term.COMMON COURTESY!!You talk about me as if I was not there and you even call me defensive??It sounds like you were trying to draw me out into the open and shoot me dead on the forehead.Congratulations butthead,you DID IT!!My opinion of you has changed quite a bit here and there sometimes and I have to admit,in some instances you displayed qualities I did not find very endearing,but now that it has reached that level,I doubt it is ever going to change again.Maybe I am being unreasonable,but put yourself in my shoes,look me in the eye and say that you would not find it in the least bit discomforting.

2005-10-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

hello my dear blog!have not found the time to type anything,or more to the point have not the found the time to think about what to write about.anyway,there is nothing much going on right now...aside from the fact that i have loads of work to do...a ton of lit. hw and i am double timing it in history,trying to balance out the 3 science subjects and have some time to myself..now i know i won't be able to relax at all until after the blasted exam..oh well...going to go now...

2005-10-08T23:11:00.000+08:00

yesterday i left for gym in a hurry because i dozed off for a short while,only had about 5 minutes to change and pack my stuff so i just grabbed what i thought was my exercise shirt from the clothes pile.tuition went along rather fine and everything and soon it was time for gym..so i went into the changing room and took out my shirt and lo and behold..turns out i didn't take my shirt but something else......

......what the heck man???ROFL!

didn't exercise that time because i also felt really tired,no idea why..anywho..nothing much happened aside from that rather hilarious incident...

2005-10-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

my dear cat gave me a parting gift yesterday for feeding him...thank you kitty!bloody feline....

what did i do to deserve this man?

my friend had nothing to do.thus began her crusade to mark her territory with graffiti

2005-10-05T23:02:00.000+08:00

emotionally i think i am going through a rather rough patch..getting a bit unstable of late as i find myself growing more temperamental as the days go by and believe me,it is not a good thing when almost every little thing seems to frustrate me for no apparent reason.now more than ever i feel as if there is a huge weight being put on my shoulders,the expectations of many to excel as well as my own.doing well in english lit.and GCE O-Level English is already burden enough for me,but people still expect the best from me and well,i just do not want to let them down.in a world where pressure becomes an advent,what do we look to for respite?what do we find solace in?

personally for me i have absolutely no idea what i find most comforting.maybe i am taking too many things for granted.i am fortunate enough to be in a financially stable family,to live under a roof,to have food on my plate,to have a nice,comfortable home to come back to...what more could a person want?whenever i tell myself this a question pops up.."isn't there more?"..it probably is quite improper to feel like this,so how do i avert myself from thinking about it?how do i feel content and satisfied?why do i still feel like there is something missing?now that is definitely something i should delve deeper into because seriously,it can eat a person up...

after all these months of pressure and concentration on exams i still have not fully gotten over her...at all!it is like that has been shoved aside whilst the exams whizz past me and it all resumed once again.sometimes it gets quite annoying,others it just makes me feel quite melancholy.you start to wonder why a simple crush could actually hang around for lord knows how long.how profound this impacts my life is still inconclusive but i am sure with time it will reveal itself to me...i hope...

2005-10-02T15:17:00.000+08:00

ngeehaahahaha feast your eyes on the molten chocolate from chilli's!!!be jealous all of you ngeehahahahaha!!

does this not look heavenly to you?

talk about sinful pleasure...

2005-09-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

of all the things that happened today,the worst was still the time i was waiting for my ride in front of the pub outside school.was talking to zcui but overheard two of my "friends" saying "he's getting fatter.."..obviously they tried to cover the damn thing up when i told them that they need not whisper but fucking too late man...if you want to judge people by saying they are fatter,say it to their fucking faces!besides,you two seem to be quite the corpulent duo as well.next time look into the fuckng mirror before you say anything cretin!

oh no...it did not stop there too..one of them asked me who i was going to the sri aman prom with and i told them i was going with a friend of mine who happened to be a guy because i had an extra ticket so i sold it to him.the minute i said that the word "gay" kept coming out of their mouths...gay gay gay gay gay..."oh you're so gay","oh it doesn't matter what you say you're still gay"...fuck man what did i ever do to you?i just came by to chat and you give me this shit?i was not put on this earth to be the object of your opprobriums.and when did you have the prerogative to humiliate me,reproach me or even tease me for that matter?little jokes here and there i can take,but not when you start fucking up my whole day like that...you know what?why i even consider people like those my "friends" i will never know...have a fucking good life you two.

man it felt good to rant about it...and i started swearing again..chee...kind of relieving i think despite the vulgarity...oh well...

2005-09-29T21:55:00.000+08:00

went to english tuition today on got commended on my essays (again) hehe..just wanted to share this with the world!but going to have another 3 sets of this...bah..oh well...

woot!!a1 all the way baby!

yet another one the same day!on a roll!

2005-09-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

was planning to skip school today when i suddenly realised that i had to pass the entry form and registration fees to nico for the kasturi seminar...damn errands...played basketball today for pjk but in the process i got my pinky and face hit by that fucking ball when i tried to intercept it.now my spectacles are a bit bent and my finger's basically swollen the size of a cashew nut.oh yeah,and did i mention that i could not do too much weights because of the diminished support?damn you basketball!

my pinky finger after several attempts at reducing the swelling

the rest of the day seemed perfunctory enough-rest a bit,go for add maths tuition,rush straight to gym,come back and chat a little with parents,and come back into the aegis of the computer and its library of great tunes.the hours continue to pass me by without looking back,yet i cannot help but stand around motionless,waiting for the ravages of time to set in.once again i am beset by what i am faced with-a tired soul obviously feeling the lassitude of peer pressure,unable to attain a certain amount of languor.pah...how sad the life of a student is.

2005-09-28T21:41:00.000+08:00

okay you are either going to love this album or hate it...it's an acquired taste you know?

the corrs..pleasant and a very good choice for easy listening

michael buble's latest album...i believe he has a charm no other artist can match.

2005-09-26T21:34:00.000+08:00

just downloaded michael buble and loving his music..has that snazzy jazz tune to it yet retains a certain charm that reaches into your soul with catchy lyrics.honestly i did not imagine having a predilection for his music at all.it used to give me an impression that he catered more to an older generation,or maybe it is i who is drifting further and further away from modern society.hmmm...nah..most probably the former.

once again i find myself channeling the latent energies embeded deep in my psyche and turning it into sheer bouts of anxiety.the month of october will prove to be one of the most taxing for the most part but i think will prove rewarding in the months to come.

on another note,i hate repeating myself a lot sometimes.it's like.."what time are you coming home from school tomorrow?" and i say "two pm".then someone else goes and asks the same question a few seconds after i answer the one before,which infuriatingly is the exact answer i give again.man i have heard of the phrase "hard of hearing" but this is just too much!sometimes i just feel like slapping people around because of that.although it is pointless to be frustrated over such trivial things but who can blame me?cut me some slack already!

2005-09-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

my new keyboard

a view of ma new phone ngeehahahahaha!!

2005-09-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

once again it is time to start studying again.the real exam is little more than a month away and i am still worlds away from being truly prepared...panic mode has been initiated while worry and stress become the more defining traits of my psyche.today should be the last day i slack off and tomorrow...well...tomorrow's going to be a whole new day...damn...

2005-09-21T23:41:00.000+08:00

there is only one word to describe how i feel...TIRED

honestly i have never been this exhausted since...well...ever...O.o...Planning to sleep a lot more now because well,i need to revitalise myself for spm or basically i am screwed.oh,and did i mention that i am getting rather sickly?the sniffles that fade in and out of my nostrils teng to get annoying most of the time but hey,comes with the territory right?high school is undoubtedly one of the silliest years of my life.character altering(whether degrading or rebuilding) experiences?sure.Life changing lessons?yeah,definitely.good times and horrible disasters?oh hell yeah!but overall score of high school life?i would give it a 5 or a 6 out of 10.too many friends come and go,each becoming a member of their own caste,each parting through separate paths.quite a lot of the people i knew in primary school pretty much went their own ways.well,either that or i have pushed myself away from them.surprising how you end up a little screwed up this early in life.what the hell anyway...

i have come to the realisation that i am socially inept.i have the social abilities of a ham sandwich,which basically means i have none whatsoever.my sister said that the people who miss high school after they leave are the ones who have really good friends who were inseparable at one point in their lives.i would gladly vouch for her on that because it is bloody true.i do not have a lot of close friends in high school,therefore my desire to return there seems...non-existent?all i can reflect from my 5 years of high school is a lot of childish endeavours coupled with ridiculous wants and self-centredness.way to go high school!

God i hope college gets better than this...

2005-09-18T22:21:00.001+08:00

the sides...real cool looking

new specs..whaddya think?

cute this kitty cat is

2005-09-17T17:41:00.000+08:00

exams are finally coming to a close and i can breathe a little easier for at least another week because starting october it is officially time to push for spm.Time is really going into hyperdrive because the days are going by so quickly one cannot even stop to think.First things first though,it is time to celebrate with krystle and gang because we got shortlisted!!we had to prolong our desires to go out and watch a movie for a week on account of the exams(damn those schedules).i have not been out with friends since god knows how long and i am just dying to catch up with me old buddies whom i have been out of contact with for months on end.

tomorrow i am going to klcc's Kinokuniya Bookstore to hunt for four books:

a. Blinding Absence Of Light by Tahar ben Jelloun
b. Jonathan Strange And Mr. Norrell by Sussanna Clarke
c. On Beauty by Zadie Smith and
d. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

all four of the books above have good recommendations and will definitely be a good read.

also i resumed playing Doom 3 this afternoon after a long time in inactivity and scared myself half to death.damn you flesh eating zombies!!honestly their moaning gets more annoying and these intermediary jolts and scares really make you jump out of your seat.once i was using the flashlight to illuminate a room which had it's light conveniently shut off and a zombie appeared out of nowhere.i got so freaked i started clicking away and i did not realise that in my hand was.....the flashlight,which barely made a dent on it.what a way to exercise my reflexes(or lack of them).

2005-09-15T16:18:00.000+08:00

Staring into space whilst listening to some tunes seems to be turning into a shibboleth for me...The more I observe people the more i come to realise what they actually are and how they feel about me.Of course I would definitely want to act as if I never knew about it and go my own humdrum way through life but it just comes back biting me in the ass.The way people speak,how they choose their words,even down to how they phrase their sentences gives me implications of the insincerity that lay shrouded in their hearts.The worst of it is when you actually expected someone to be a better person than you imagined it all just crumbles into ruin.Common courtesy becomes a substitute for honest reproach,smiles become facades,sanctuaries that house awkwardness,embarrassment,disgust...the very words "haha" is only a hollow shell...people laugh when they do not feel the humour of a joke;they gaze attentively when deep in the bowels of their souls they are unamused,bored...This is what common courtesy requires one to do.It reflects respect,admiration and appreciation yet at the same time infuses lies and miconceptions with obligation.There can never be a perfect world where disappointment does not rear its ugly head.Can't live with it,can't live without it.

2005-09-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

what i am feeling at this very moment?

tired,languid, and really really worn out

honestly,today was actually the first time in my whole life when i was actually looking forward to get my driving license...apparently my ride left without me and i wasted 30 minutes waiting around for them to come back...i was not so much upset but rather helpless. having to wait and wait and wait seemed to have got me thinking. What am I to most people? Am I the person they go to for consolation and sympathy or do they simply revel in barraging me with jokes, extreme sarcasm and silly pranks? It goes both ways when it comes to the latter but you tend to lose yourself when it comes to other people's opinions of you.

When it comes to iron clad friendships I just come up short in the end. Most of the folks I hang out with are always happy and cheerful, but deep down I do detect a completely different emotion altogether. Fact of the matter is we all put on happy faces to show the world that we are indeed imperturbable, yet it belies a whole reservoir of feelings. Envy, disappointment, misery, depression, hate... I do know that I have been harbouring some rather ill feelings towards the person/people who have given me much irritance and frustration. I feel like a harried old man, rife with the unconscionable hatred and malevolence accumulated over the years. Life it seems does not appear to be as pliable as i imagined it should be...

And once again I find myself rambling into a labyrinth of emotions and chaotic thoughts. Better end this before I go on...

2005-09-13T18:28:00.000+08:00

next goal..write a story that spans at least 10 pages...ngeeheeheehee...this twisted little mind of mine just won't stop thinking about the more gruesome and sordid side of the world...

kekeke vote vote vote!!

2005-09-12T19:21:00.000+08:00

ngeeheeheeheehee my entry is now published online for the world to see..kekekekeke..please check it out and vote for me here

p.s.
just click on the word "here" yeah?hehe..

Monday,The Day of All Days

2005-09-12T14:12:00.000+08:00

well..now that chinese is over i won't have to take it forever!!!muahahahahahaha!!!well..tomorrowz time for add maths but i decided to resume gymming because well...i don't want to end up fat and let's face it...when you're 75 kilos it's quite difficult for others to convince you otherwise...today should be circuit training i gather so i will be panting and limping around languidly for the next few hours..and after that will be a 2 1/2 hour paper 2 add maths paper...i have to really time myself if i want to be able to ace this paper...mind's being drawing blanks lately...nothing seems to be worth bringing up nowadays...ptooi...

oh yeah...last week both of my friends cut their hair like mine...now all three of us are almost devoid of hair on our scalps..it's just strange to see us with the same hairstyle...we are like...brothers...me being the oldest,jun keen being the middle and en hao the youngest...perfect!okay..maybe not perfect at all but i'll try to get a photo of the 3 of us...you will either be laughing your head off or swinging your head back and forth in disapproval...it's your choice XD

i cannot wait to open that book!!!"The Purpose Driven Life" is what it's called and i am in desperate need for loving from my Creator...loads of questions...all of them rhetorical and unanswered...it's kind of awkward for me because people like esther can hold onto their beliefs and feel His presence all the time...i know of His presence...i don't feel it all the time...that's what's bugging me...if i can't feel Him...what's the point of knowing He exists?

i hate studying bc

2005-09-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

argghh!!i hate readnig chinese..my interest in it keeps dropping every time i pick up a book to study it...it's quite a bummer though because i'm a chinese...yet i have no interest in my own mother tongue...that would make me a heretic wouldn't it?i mean come on...it probably shows that i'm not proud of my culture or birthright or something...then again people who say that have not taken a chinese exam before...hehe...

just finished physics revision...well..i don't know what is possibly coming out at all but i just read everything anyway...i am not feeling confident about it at all because well...after the first week my self esteem literally plunged to a new level of disappointment...still trying to tell myself.."to hell with last week concentrate on this one!".and tomorrow is also the day that my entry for that mph thing comes out online!i'm still worried that it won't though...bah...it's probably pointless to think about these things but nvm forget about it...

gotta go study some bc proverbs and stuff though..so will have more to say..i don't know..after next week? lol...

weeee

2005-09-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

first week of exams are over...another 8 days to go...oh well...it's not too long compared to damansara utama which has been having exams for five weeks straight because they were sitting for their gerak-gempur.amazing...to study for so long.man..it's just scary..then again that's what we'll have to expect from the real spm exam..oh well...

anyway there's not much to blog about these days...everything's a monotonous flow of perfunctory events,namely eating,gymming,sleeping,studying...yeah that's about the schedule i have,or been having for the past few weeks...even then these 5 days seemed like months...i shudder at the thought of one month's worth of exams...

on another note...i got an e-mail from pan global insurance regarding my entry for the mph search for yougn writers competition 2005...i got short-listed..i am soo happy that i was selected but well..i was required to send in a profile by yesterday but i only sent it in today so i'm worried that it will be dismissed...tomorrow i'm going to have to call a managing partner...and ironically i forgot my essay title..!!which is really embarassing...anyway...please vote for me at www.pgi.com.my on the 12th september onwards yeah?

mm...nice nice nice

2005-09-07T19:49:00.000+08:00

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest:

You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.

At Your Lowest:

You feel in a slump and lack creativity.

In Love:

You tend to be many people's ideal partner.

How You're Attractive:

You make people feel confident and accepted.

Your Eternal Question:

"What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

got the site from yan chyi lol...was bored..

lol this is new

2005-09-07T15:52:00.000+08:00

check this out! traits according to blood type..=/

The Traits

Type O – The Warrior
# trendsetter
# loyal
# passionate
# self-confident
# independent
# ambitious
# vain
# jealous

Famous O’s
# Queen Elizabeth II
# John Lennon
# Elvis Presley
# Liam & Noel Gallagher
# Paul Newman

Type A – The Farmer
# calm
# patient
# sensitive
# responsible
# overcautious
# stubborn
# unable to relax

Famous A’s
# Adolf Hitler
# George Bush Senior
# Soseki Natsume
# Ringo Starr
# Britney Spears

Type B – The Hunter
# individualist
# dislike custom
# strong
# optimistic
# creative
# flexible
# wild
# unpredictable

Famous B’s
# Akira Kurosawa
# Paul McCartney
# Mia Farrow
# Leonardo Di Caprio
# Jack Nicholson

Type AB – The Humanist
# cool
# controlled
# rational
# sociable
# popular
# critical
# sometimes standoffish
# indecisive

Famous AB’s
# Jackie Chan
# Marilyn Monroe
# John F Kennedy
# Mick Jagger
# Alain Prost

NgEEhEEhEE

2005-09-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

ngeeheeheeheehee...keekeekeekeekee...
i just failed chemistry...!!ngeeheeheeheehee....

me mph essay

2005-09-04T20:49:00.000+08:00

this is me mph essay...found it lying around so thought..what the heck..might as well post it for the world to see...comments are welcome...

20th February 1942 (Wednesday)
A man was shoved around into a room only illuminated by a dimming bulb, trembling and sobbing as he was laid supine on the stained marble floor. My superiors ambled into the room with a hose in hand, emitting a constant barrage of vituperation about the Chinese and how they were weak and unworthy of life. They were on their knees, whispering some gibberish into his ears whilst they toyed with him, prodding him with their swords.
“It is time!” one shouted.
The hose was forced into the man’s throat whilst the guard nearest to the adjacent wall turned on the tap, beginning what was said to be purgatory for those who were subjected to such forms of torture.
Water drenched the man’s lungs and stomach, bloating him up to immense proportions. One of the officers had a sadistic gleam in his eyes, his stern countenance belying a masochistic fetish that burgeoned as he jumped up and down on the Chinese man’s stomach. The men around him joined in, decimating the poor man’s insides as they gamboled on him like a cushion. The pellucid liquid that was water became a cloud of ruby mist, spurting out of him like those fountains you see in front of courthouses and places of high esteem. I was dragged into the carnage, instructed to do as they were doing, to channel my ‘enmity’ into that one action. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was forced to jump. I closed my eyes, hoping that the ordeal would be over, but the gurgling embedded itself into my mind, forever indelible and unrelenting, haunting me every night since that dreaded moment.
Another man was brought into the room, bounded and blindfolded whilst a woman and child were schlepped in as well. Lieutenant Kojima brandished his blade and handed it to me. I was rife with chaos, unable to articulate my fear of what was to come as his hand lay outstretched. My oath to Japan and whatever sense of humanity I had left merged into a confluence of chaos and disarray. Lieutenant Kojima barked his orders again, questioning my loyalties as a soldier and threatening my life if I was insubordinate. My hands palpitated as I accepted the saber, my head bowed down as a token of respect. I was instructed to cut my hapless victim’s limbs one by one – slowly. A circle of soldiers formed around me, avid to bear witness to the hell that was to come.
I started with the man’s feet and slashed his toes one by one, trying my best to tune out the wails and cheers of ecstasy all around me, going on to the shins, the knees, the thighs, the stomach, the arms, the chest… The floor turned geranium, oozing through the cracks and dents in the tiles as puddles of blood formed. The screams were muffled by jeers from the people around me. With every laceration I carved out from his flesh the atmosphere grew a thousand times more exhilarating for my comrades, and I grew a million times more hysterical with myself.
The woman and her child, presumed to be my victim’s family, shrilled in utter consternation, begging for us to stop. His yelps only catalysed their suffering, the blood flowing from his veins destroying their already waning resolve to be released of their pain. By the time the man atrophied into a bloody carcass the woman and her child were laconic, unable to speak or whisper, obviously so overcome with mental torture that their minds had shut down completely – human vegetables.
The exuberance displayed by Lieutenant Kojima and his men for their deaths turned my soul black. Staring at my blood-soaked hands, I could not help but weep for my sins against humanity. My whole body enervated into putty and for the first time in my life I saw my soul metamorphosed into a monster. What was once full of life and effervescency quickly degenerated into a dark abyss of hate, grief and despair. No amount of repentance could save me, no amount of forgiveness could keep me from the travail that I placed upon myself.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in my tent, replaying the massacre that I had unleashed earlier this morning. Only 16 years of age and I had become a killer. My act of atrocity remained as vivid as if I had committed it just five minutes ago, down to the most miniscule of detail. My eyes welled up in more tears as I kept telling myself that what I did was for the glory of the empire. What was it that Lieutenant Kojima used to say?
“The Chinese are unworthy of life. It is only apt that we end it for them!”
The havoc inside me grew more turbulent, unable to differentiate wrong from right, unable to separate obligation from conscience. Memories of my initial conscription into the Japanese Armed Forces resurfaced as I sat there lying prostrate on the bunk, alone with my thoughts – again. Everything I stood for – honour, courage, glory… All of which were just the types of propaganda that they filled into the minds of young military hopefuls, hopefuls like me.
My irreverence for the old ways became more apparent after that. Whenever I bowed my mien was painted with frowns, my pupils burned with a rancour that seemed like it lasted forever. This might be the last entry I will ever make in this diary, for I plan to desert this centre of malevolence. It matters not where I go or what becomes of me, so long as I am free from the tyranny that has possessed my kinsmen, exonerated from the damnation that brought about the Empire’s “glory”. As such I leave tonight.

ranting as i read

2005-09-04T18:41:00.000+08:00

arggghhh!!!themes and issues in the bm literature component are so screwed up...seriously...most of it is total bullshit...heck..i don't even understand the themes!!!!so frustrating that you can't find a decent literature reference book on the market at all...which makes things rather difficult and inconvenient..not to mention the first paper tomorrow is bm2...heh...better get back to studying..still have one and a half more books to go through...gahh...

ff7 images

2005-09-04T11:18:00.000+08:00

ff7 advent children is coming out soon whoohoo!!!

oooh sephiroth looks so cool...

more images

what's on everybody's minds right now...

2005-09-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

study study study..that's basically the curriculum of the day...bah..sometimes i find it positively bothersome...anyway i plan to finish up on my chemistry by tonight and continue revising on sejarah because i tend to forget on occassion if i don't provide some revitalisation...and i finally got a log book!!it's in english so maybe i can use it next year or something if i'm taking something that has to do with z-tables and such...lol...a lot of my books mysteriously vanished because i have not touched them for well...a long time...and i just realised that my history reference books are completely untouched and in mint condition...amazing...later i have add maths tuition so i don't need to worry too much about my maths subjects..whoohoo!!

kekeke i think everyone's feeling the stress...most of the time we're stressing more about trials than the real exam...we're all worried that we won't be able to meet the criteria required to get into college...which technically is only 5 credits but in our minds it happens to be...straight A's?LoL...sometimes i know that it's pointless but i go ahead and stress myself anyway...kiasuler all of us...must always blame our origins aka chinese primary schools...nasty nasty!!

LoL rigghhtt....

2005-09-01T21:27:00.000+08:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

wow..please don't take it too seriously hehe...

hating exams with all my black little heart

2005-08-31T00:21:00.000+08:00

my head's just swimming with history nowadays yet no matter how much i try to cram into my head the stuff just keeps pouring out by the time i go on to the next chapter...learning about islam is so taxing...bah...haven't been feeling happy or something lately...my mood has dropped from normal to below average to lacking enthusiasm to bored to emotionally detached...right now i'm desperately trying to finish history by thursday so i can move on to other prospects...mainly everything else...sigh...time's running out again...tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...
oh yeah...happy merdeka!*waves flag vehemently*..oh wait...that was an australian flag...*changes to msian flag and waves it less than vehemently*

nothing much to say right now..seems the only thing i'm thinking about is exams exams exams...i hate exams..it's the time i have to cancel going to gym...it is also the time i have to keep studying from dawn to dusk non-stop...oh..wait..there's more..?righhhtt....sigh...just spamming on my blog right about now...anyway i will be sharing another short story shortly if i can spare the time...incidentally it took me an hour to do it but i got a 49/50 for it...i found it rather surprising because that is the kind of work i usually produce most of the time provided i have ideas...anyway i'll post it later because it might be quite long...

the ordeal is over!

2005-08-25T19:18:00.000+08:00

Finally my english literature trial exams are over!! I’m really relieved because…well..it’s over!! I did get a little discouraged though because my standards did not meet up to my teacher’s expectations, which typically makes me feel a little crappy. Anyway now I can concentrate on my other subjects like biology and history which I have been severely neglecting for the past three days…so it’s time I went on my way now…later all!

ahhhhh!!!

2005-08-21T22:42:00.001+08:00

muahahaha i just finished my 30 mark romeo and juliet question!!!i'm really hoping that i'll really get 30 marks for it hehe...you know me...i strive for excellence when it comes to anything that has to do with the english language...normal kiasu-ness anyway...right now i have to finish my short stories and poems,which is a LOT!!literature trial exams start tomorrow until wednesday...2 hours to finish 4 20 mark questions...it seriously is some scary shit...i'm really nervous and hoping that i'll be able to finish it on time because when it comes to literature it is almost always the time that provides the challenge...if my tuition teacher makes it extra difficult it'll just exacerbate things...sigh...lots of pressure building up here...what happens if i can't finish on time?what happens if i do badly?sigh...loads of stuff going through my mind right now...what i am most afraid of are the poems...of all the sections i do not fare too well with poems especially...bah...anyway this is going to be a short post because i have to study and i'm going to make myself a goober sandwich first so later!!

current mood:have to study study study!nervous,scared and anxious...

2005-08-21T18:49:00.000+08:00

what my desk looks like one day before my lit. trial exam!!!~.~ nasty man....so so so so nervous...!!

sigh...what then?

2005-08-20T00:36:00.000+08:00

don't really know how i'm feeling right now...i am totally smitten with her for no reason at all...and that is definitely a problem there...the worst kind of relationships you won't want to be in is the kind where you can't explain your attraction to a person...it isn't because of their appearance...it isn't because of their personality...it's just something else...something that no other person can see...you really start to see how unbelievably incredible that person is,oblivious to the fact that he/she,like all human beings,is fundamentaly flawed...suddenly nothing else matters but them...u just wish u could spend more time with them,talking,chatting,smsing...any interaction whatsoever would already be heaven...of course the ugly side of it is that you can almost never find a reason to not love that person...no matter how much they try,no matter how much you try...the feeling will just stay...when u worry about them when they're distressed,when u feel so happy for them when they're jubilated...in the end we forget one thing - ourselves...you become narrow minded,unwilling to change,stubborn to the core...and u then turn into a mess...
i have felt that before...makes me feel all stupid inside because i'm so naive or something...but you get used to it,you know...do the feelings u seem to always get dissipate with time?do they vanish when you lose that person?what then?

current mood:tired,lovesick?

pah...it's hell i tell you!hell!

2005-08-18T20:08:00.000+08:00

i'm really really frustrated right now...don't know why but i am really really frustrated...this morning one of my friends brought up something i absolutely did not want to hear...it made me think about it all day...i guess most of the time i could just ignore it but what's the point in putting it aside when it can just come back after that?rawr...today is such a stupid day...so i'm going to make a little experiment..if it works out like i've expected then i know i'm going to really feel spiteful...bah...sometimes ignorance is bliss....then again ignorance is always bliss...when u know about certain truths or the reality of a situation it makes you think and feel different...you see things in a whole different light and it either turns out for the better or the worst...it's then that you realise that you've been smiting yourself for no reason at all...

i do not approve very much of people without some common decency...seriously..everyone should be educated in some common courtesy like manners,etiquette,common sense...makes me disconsolate that people my age and above might actually have horrible manners...if only the world could slap some sense into them then life would be real peachy...no one deserves to be shunned...not even people you dislike...sigh...looking forward to sleeping tonight...it's the only time i'm not feeling anything at all....

current mood:frustrated and moody
possible moods tonight:hateful,angry,depressed

time time time time time time

2005-08-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

i have such a headache now...geez...have to study sejarah and i know i'm not going to finish by today...might as well skip that and go on to biology...time is of the essence and it is exactly the only thing i don't have right now...which kind of sucks...anyway don't much much to say today...i guess i don't think as much now because i'm trying to store information instead of thinking about stuff...it's really distracting and gets in the way too easily...on a few occassions i do think of herler...but i guess i can't afford to do that as much anymore or i'll just sink to the bottom of the ocean...XD...oh well...going dutch to the prom btw hehe...felt that i really didn't want to go with anyone else but....oh nevermind...gotta go study again...will update when i feel like taking a break...later...

2005-08-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

what my table looks like (and will look like) as of now..XD

what a guy wants...?

2005-08-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

what do guys want in a girl?what do girls want in a guy?those two are probably the most asked questions in any friendster messageboard...which gets really boring most of the time...everything in it seems like a cliched way of buttering up people and whatnot...i think it is silly and rather pointless...they make it sound like it's a job criteria or something especially when it is most definitely not...i mean in my honest opinion i feel that what you want most in a partner is their love and compassion...nothing else...u won't want them for the perfume they wear(because seriously how many girls/women are likely to wear the same brand of perfume?) or the shampoo they use(ditto)...you won't want them for the way they fall into your arms(which almost any girl can accomplish with little effort) or the way they lean their heads against your shoulder(again ditto)...most of those..."required traits" are trivial and silly...sure we want all of that but what do we really want?for me i'd rather have acceptance,devotion and attention...i would like a girl who would accept me for me and nothing else...to be able to treat all my imperfections or faults as if they were strengths...maybe even disregard them completely...i also want to see devotion...i would like a partner to have as much devotion to me as i would have to her...what i hold the most disdain for is always a one-sided affair where you're not on the receiving end when you're the one doing all the giving...i also want attention from my partner...when i'm talking to them i want nothing else but their unabated focus...i would very much appreciate two way conversations in which both parties say around the same amount of words and bring up the same amount of topics et cetera....
sounds like a awful lot i know but hey...it's what i would want in a girl.selfish as it may sound i just don't really care...i'm sure any of you would be selfish if you're talking about a being in a relationship whether long-term or short...the thought just came to mind whilst i was studying so i decided to articulate it into words...it's just an opinion really...

heh...lying on my back for more than 12 hours gets me thinking

2005-08-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

it's rather silly...for someone who gets hungry almost all the time i haven't been eating dinner for the past two days...my appetite for food suddenly dissipated like it was never there...shocking i know...but everytime i eat something the gas just builds up and i end up hurting for a few minutes...which tends to get irritating most of the time...
anyway...i feel distanced right about now...just starting to realise that i don't talk to people very often...in fact if i had the chance i would most probably be the introvert though i don't want to be...of the 101 people in my msn messenger list i don't even talk to a quarter of them...32 online now and i'm not chatting with a single person...such poorly developed social skills will definitely hamper my future endeavours yet i don't really know how to rectify things...now that i think about it i don't know a lot of things...i know very little about life and how we live in it and even less about girls...which makes me the odd one out when it comes to mixing with my tuition friends who talk to each other about how this girl is hot whilst that girl is not...i could never be so disinterested in how any girl looked...which brings me to my second question?is it just me who is like that or are there more?am i really becoming a one girl guy?the kind of person who would only stick to one person of the opposite gender and him/her alone?don't those things happen when we're like...30 years old or something?why now?when you're thinking that only one person is right for you(and that might actually be a wrong assumption) how does that really play out?

2005-08-12T18:44:00.000+08:00

a random picture of the sun...strange because it was never this red before...

2005-08-12T18:43:00.000+08:00

clockwise from top:Wyeth Entox-P for gas,Colodium for the diarrhea and Buswoan for the stomachaches...(went to the doctor because the pains came back and i went to the toilet until my posterior just hurt like crap...>.<)

bah..what a lousy day

2005-08-11T16:20:00.000+08:00

i had around 4 hours of sleep this morning and woke up feeling extremely groggy...when i reached school it was already so hazy i could choke on dirt alone...then the news came(both the good and the bad)...on the plus side,school was cut short because of the haze so everyone could go back at 11am..what was frustrating was that we came to school for nothing,which was a real drag...anyway this morning was utterly horrible...i went to class nursing a stomachache and held on until 11...after which i reached home and went to the toilet,getting some respite from the 10 minutes i spent in the can...after that i enjoyed some 20 minutes of relief before the stomachaches came back...the whole day is really nasty because i couldn't concentrate on studying either due to the haze or my stomachache...grrr....seriously this blows...